Sunday, 18 May 2008

Check-in with DP airlines at your own peril...

The flight of my dreams... It hasn't happened yet but I am still young, thus all hope is not lost:).

So blogging hasn't exactly been a priority these past couple of months, but then again for an individual whose main diet is M and Ms , M and Ms and more M and Ms until he overdoses on chocolate cuteness that doesn't really say much... But enough of this outlandish behaviour already! (well not really...LOL). I may be mad and a nightmare for insurance companies but the purpose of my blogging existence is to entertain the masses (even though the 'masses' may not be aware of my sorry existence... LOL) and I'll be damned to blogging oblivion if I don't deliver the goods one more time (what the hell am I talking about? Do you have a clue? Because I sure as heck don't...).

I believe I can fly like Thor, the Asgardian/Norwegian god of old!!! Well, not really, I am too low budget for that, thus I always book tickets with 'suicide airlines central' for a pleasant flying experience:).

This ominous post (
"ominous" eh? I just wanted to use the word, so sue me...LOL) is spawned by my ridiculous urge to share the experience of traveling with a 17 seats airplane for a 45 mins flight. I had never flown before with such a sorry excuse for a plane so it was pretty much a suicide mission to begin with(but since I thrive on 'suicide missions', e.g. finding readers for this blog, I was treading on familiar ground so no worries... LOL). The good news started early for me... As I approached this 'flying death wish of an aircraft' the hostess warned 'us' - 'us' as in "the unfortunate last minute traveling suckers" that is - to come on board 'one at a time' because the stairs couldn't handle our collective weight (yep, that made us feel safe alright, way to go girl... how about fetching those parachutes then...). When my majestic footwear touched the first stair it rocked for all the wrong reasons but I am not one to fall into despair that easily... With the air of a man that flies with such disaster airlines just 'for the thrill of it' I entered the passengers cabin. To be precise, I squeezed into 'the narrowest airplane corridor since the inception of airplane corridors' and practically landed onto my seat after navigating a maze of spread out feet across the length of the aircraft. As I parked my uberly Mercy punk ass into the seat and fastened the seat belt on, purely for formality's sake, (let's face it, all passengers were so close to eachother the aircraft's name should have been 'Jenga on wings' or something of the sort...). Minutes prior to take off, a bewildered woman squeezed into the seat next to me and before you know it, the engines started roaring with raw mechanical power (yeah was more like the equivalent of a mosquito buzzing loudly after a seriousy "boozey/bloody" night...).

Hey don't look at me like that... Any DP post is a reason to P-A-R-T-Y!!! Am I one cocky 'Merc with a mouth' or what? LOL!!!

The thing is that as fate would have it, this plane had air screws and I was "lucky" enough to be seated right next to the wings... And then "The Buzz", the glorious buzz began... The airplane started running like a seriously overweight sprinter (which doesn't really make sense as an example, since such a man would have had a heart attack right upon thinking to run not actually running... but that is a casualty I am willing to accept for the sake of this post... LOL). So off this plane went down the air corridor supposedly accelerating, leaving me to wonder if it was actually going to take off intact or piece by piece... As the wheels left the ground and certain individuals on the plane renowned their faiths to whatever religions they believed in (it is nice to feel safe in an aircraft isn't it? LOL) I was sure that the hard part was over. Apparently the woman next to me didn't believe so, since she was grabbing on her seat as tight as a constipated fool's ass right on the verge of 'exploding' (eww...). To let some steam off, she started talking to me at random intervals saying things like : " this ain't so bad after all...", " I hope we make it...", "this is one of the worst aircrafts ever or what...?", with every single one of her comments being accompanied by a nervous chuckle. To be absolutely honest with you (a virtue not too common for this blog but I have my days... LOL) I am assuming she was saying these things since I couldn't hear a thing... You got it my amateur geniuses of readers out there!!! The buzzing sound right NEXT TO MY EAR, didn't leave much option for coherent interpersonal communication... Oh well, I guess depending on your lip reading skills once in a while saves energy and is 'eco friendly' since noone is "voice littering" your unfortunate ears and the planet as a whole:).

This was no time for pointless Shakesperean monologues and artistic delusions of grandeur... It was a time to shut up and hope that the landing that would ensue would be the one we were hoping for... Don't you just love it when I am in such an over the top mood :)? Oh come on, you know you do!!!

So the short flight time passed 'idyllic' like that, between buzzing noises, prayers for a safe landing (
or any landing for that matter, LOL), creaking whispers of bolts ready to burst and thoughts about death wills that should have been written but would never come to be. As the lights of our destination glowed in the distance, a collective sigh or relief blew like a breeze of fresh air in the aircraft's passengers cabin (either that or someone squeezed his ass one time too many and showered the rest of us with his gassy deposit...ew... and double ewww...LOL). As we landed, all I could think of was my girlfriend's hug and how I wanted to tear the aircraft apart piece by piece purely on principle... I disembarked the airplane with the annoying grin of a man that has accomplished something worthy of distinction in his life and I rushed to the luggage claim area. The crappy flight was behind me like a long faded memory and all I cared about was the welcoming kiss of my girl... (yeah I know I am in an uber corny phase in my life and loving it... it will pass in a couple of decades or so... no worries then, LOL!!!). Moments later I was there... "ask and you shall receive" they say and they couldn't be more right(I always wondered who is "they"... however I'll end this post before it ends up like a wannabe "X-filey" relic of uber-conspiracy theories and pointless banter on my behalf ha,ha,ha,ha).

OK then!!! Another post that doesn't make sense added to my posting account! I am sure some wacky blogging knighthood of sorts is not too unrealistic a possibility for this mad as a hoot Merc after all:).

Till next time, take care friends!