Saturday, 22 September 2012

An imaginary dialogue with my penis...

As people lose weight they become reacquainted with their body. Now this may sound like utterly pointless to people that have to lose a couple of Kgs just so, THAT elusive pair of jeans finally fits. However, for the couch potatoes among us, meeting up with old body parts can be a quite... revelating, albeit nutty, experience. Since I cheerfully position myself among the latter lot , let me elaborate on this "stimulating" experience (pun intended of course) I had. Several months ago, while taking a shower I saw an old friend returning back from the ("not the dead" you sardonically moronic readers of mine) cursed land of excess body fat. Yes, it was his majesty himself "Mr Dickalicious" stirring back to the sunlight, after spending several years in a shadowy self imposed exile, underneath an ever expanding waist line. The following "dialogue" ensued between "master" and "servant" (although lets face it, the "lower brain" of men tends to take over more often than not, as you already know, my fellow loveable sex addicted male/female readers):

Mr Deadpoolite (a.k.a DP) :  Oh there you are, you amazing piece of human anatomy! Hail to the king baby!"
Mr Dickalicious(a.k.a Dicky):  Don't sweet - talk me into erection mister, I've been into hibernation for way too long only to rise from the fat like a sexy Phoenix and do your horny bidding, now and then.
DP: I thought you liked that sort of stuff , you know, the good old "in and out", "search and deploy", "showering the egg babes with TLC and good intent" and all that.
Dicky:  I refuse to be your manwhore anymore you shaggy beast of a man. This time I am a Dicky with a plan! Start listening, if you want me to stay and not leave you "hanging"... If you know what I mean...


He was a Dick(y) with a plan and he was threatening to "run for it"...
DP: You little ungrateful piece of sausage, you would be just another piece of boring fertilizing kit without me, instead of the "sex and piss magician" that you currently are...
Dicky:  Flattery won't get you anywhere with me. I 've been stuck with you for way too long, I know how your dirty mind works you sorry, pathetic "little" man. Oh, did I hit a nerve there, with the "little" remark... oh so sorry... NOT!
DP: Why you tiny arrogant b-rated Ocktoberfest wannabe,what do you want from me?
Dicky: I've got a couple of demands... oh your lousy horniness...
DP: Who doesn't in Greece...
Dicky: True but irrelevant. First of all I want social security and a good pension and health plan to boot.
DP: Go take a hike(oh you poor little bastard you can't, because you are STUCK with me!). This is Greece, we don't offer money to the masses only take them away(with extreme prejudice nonetheless). It is sort of a "favourite" national hobby of ours, a way to pass the time why we sink into oblivion as a nation, so to speak...
Dicky: Greece's internal affairs do not concern me...
DP: You must be alone in that one in a global scale... 
Dicky: Regardless, what about my demand?
DP: The only thing I can offer is less tight pairs of pants for life and some  soothing icicle companionship for the "difficult times". I am running on fumes here mate, I am on a budget...
Dicky: You drive a "hard" bargain there ("hard bargain" get it, oh the irony is lost in most people these days...geez). Ok, I will conditionally accept your offer with compulsory renegotiation after 3 years.
DP: You sounded like the bloody IMF there...
Dicky: Maybe, but the IMF can't literally "bust your balls" eh? So, you might as well roll with it...

 
 Who needs a dietician eh...?

Pair of balls(whispering): You wouldn't do that for real, would ya boss?
Dicky(whispering): Nah, I am just bluffing guys... I've "grown" fond of you with time, you are my compadres, my right and left men, my stepping stones to greatness, my ejaculation experts and infinite sperm producers. You are here to stay (for now...)...
Pair of balls(whispering): How about the future boss? Are we going to ever ascend in the body hierarchy of things?
Dicky(whispering): This is Greece mates we need to be realistic here and adjust to the times. As soon as you are old,crumpy and thus dysfunctional, I am going to fire you and put you down like rabbid dogs...
Pair of balls(whispering): "Thanks boss", you are a true humanitarian...
Dicky(whispering): I simply have international standards, that's all...
DP: Hey, wtf? What are you whispering down there you three?
Dicky: This is an effing democracy mate, we do things by the book, I ask the opinions of the "people" under me but I do just what I want in the end.

 
 Sounds kinda familiar...
 
DP: Good to know we've come to a mutual agreement. By the way, you are leaning a bit to the right there... I expect this not to be a political issue, merely an anatomic one...
Dicky: Are you accussing me of right wing tendencies there? Simply put, one ball is more full than the other, that's all geez... 
DP: Hey man, it is dicks like you that gave the right wing party so many votes in the past elections, one can't be too careful these days...
Dicky: Anyway, I am going for my beauty sleep, do call "the vagina" in a bit, we've got work to do!
DP: Will do! (Shouting) Vagin.... I mean babe, can you come here for a moment!
Incoming babe/wife: Everything ok in here babe? I think I heard voices in here...
DP: I just had an illuminating conversation with my penis, it was "stimulating" to say the least...
Incoming babe/wife: I told you to cut down on those bloody M and Ms snacks, you overdosed again!!! Let's hope the effect is not permanent...
DP: I have a pretty cool "side-effect", if you look just a little bit lower...
Incoming babe/wife: I see... What can I say... M and Ms for the win!

 

And with those words of wisdom this blog post is ending abruptly, before it becomes R-rated...

Till next time my friends, take care!

Thursday, 24 November 2011

My stupid fitness revolution, videogaming style...


It is a little known fact that I hate exercise. Not in all its forms per se, just the ones involving going to a gym... and exercising.... and sweating like a pig around other suckers that sweat like pigs... and being demolished afterwards... Yeah, that sums it up quite nicely I think, I hate going to the gym, period!!! The closest I ever came to enter a gym, past the reception lobby that is, was years ago in Thessaloniki. There,"a little man" bursting with muscle volume and wearing clothes several sizes smaller than his normal size, tried to explain to me how things worked in his "gym realm". Let's just say it didn't work out between us (
that is between gym and man, not between man and man which would complicate things in a way too gay to explain, LOL!). I used to do several team sports several years back but then videogames, fattening drinks and girls with needs came to my life, so that went out of the window really soon. Which brings me to the current state of things... One day I woke up and I realised that I have become a couch potato. Not much of an epiphany but it did the trick for me. Apparently, all that virtual running in Elder Scrolls Oblivion didn't burn any real life calories but those are the things that they usually skip, in in-game turorials... (damn!). So, I find myself in a hiatus between the necessity of exercising and the formidable allures of my ever bending sofa... Hmmm... what to choose... what to choose...


I am totally ready to kickass and don't let my couch potato look fool ya:). Oh, come on seriously now...

When the time comes to take an important decision and you are split between two choices, it is time to create a third choice just to do things the "malakas way" as we say here in Greece. Using all my creative mental juices, I focused my brain power in a way to exercise that would make things more playful rather than absolute torture for my sensitive couch potato psyche. So, without further ado, I present you my videogame fitness challenge! Oh yes, I joyfully concluded that the reason for my couch potato transformation could also be my fitness salvation. I got a Kinect, I got a Wii and by the godlike muscles of Chuck Norris I am going to use them to full effect! So yeah, that's it, that is my brilliant idea that has sent shivers down gymnasts spines around the world. Exercise into your own living room instead of sweating like a malakas around other people that smell bad or have come straight out of the Olympic games, stamina wise. Eat my dust losers of actual exercise, I am going to lose weight by exercising in virtual worlds and finally approximate my ingame avatars dimensions (what a noble goal indeed, LOL!).

Oops wrong gaming role model, quite chubby little bast*rd too:)

In upcoming days, weeks or whenever I will be posting how I am doing with my personal fitness challenge (all gory fatass details included with no charge of course), so that my ever expanding invisible readership will learn all the info it craves for but doesn't dare to ask!

And with those awesome words of nonsense wisdom I leave this blog once more...

Till next time friends!

Friday, 3 June 2011

Shoot this undead(?) blog already!!!



Blogging is dead... In fact it is so dead that I can almost see the vultures hovering above this very blog's rotting carcass with a gleeful smile on their pointy beaks. Still, I am such a sentimental fool that I refuse to "officially" pull the plug on this masterpiece of human creativity and humourous mayhem that I have established here(modesty is for the modest and should be illegal after all...). So, let's not call this place a blog anymore since that would infer that it is a relic of past times long gone (it is exactly that but noone but me has to know about it my dear invisible readers...). Let's call this an insane personal diary of sorts... Yeah! I like the sound of that! Besides it describes the state of affairs in this place quite accurately. You see, a diary can be defined as a collection of random personal mumblings that someone has scribbled on a secretly placed notebook only for his/her reading pleasure. Coincidentially this place has only one reader (although I may bail as a reader as well, the guy posting on this blog is nuts...) that I know off and many potential readers that will trespass this sanctuary of lunacy by accident. So yeah, my personal diary of madness sounds kinda of fresh, thus I am cheerfully rebooting this ex-blogthingy to a new blogthingy with a twist(it is like - please sponsor me - coke light and coke zero, same thing different taste...).


This blog has had it's fair share of identity crisis but since I am Greek and 'crisis' is my middle name by now, all is good:).

Let's move on to the juicy personal stuff... I am still in the officially "unemployed" unofficially "getting by" status mode with my 1 year of official unemployment anniversary gone and dusted a couple of months back. My problem has been that I had, so far, the "perversion" of looking for a job somewhat related to my University credentials. However, I have been recently vaccinated against this luxurious potentially fatal, for my wallet, disease and my horizons have been constantly widening ever since. As I see it, the greek economy is more stagnant than Matthew McConaughey's acting with no Oscar looming in the horizon in the foreseeable future. Therefore, after a self imposed harmless lobotomy surgical procedure that had a doubtful degree of success, I have 'willingly' adjusted my career options to the current greek economic climate. Any job except 'manwhoring' (that is plan B+...) will be considered, including sperm donation and attempts at breaking stupid Guiness records for the right price. After this personal epiphany of sorts I am a happier individual and so does my shrink think so...

The time for fluffy animals and ridiculously gay 'cute' voices is upon us, no doubt about that:).

Moving away from my "career resume", I am the joyful dad of a girl nearing 4 months of age. Now, I can't be objective on the matter I love her to bits, so bare with me beyond "the sugary sea of love" I am about to put you through. What never ceases to amuse me with my little ever growing "bundle of joy" is how much excitement she finds in the little things... "Oh, look pa, I got a foot , I got a foot pa..." she would scream if she could, everytime she realises that she is the proud owner of a foot. I have to admit it is funny - albeit demanding - having this tiny unpredictable humanoid around. Plus it is cathartic to bring out, without any restrain, your most childish side interacting with it. Although, truth be told , this side has never left me or my wife, so it was easy to use our 'childish reserves' now that are so desperately needed. Who would have thought that changing diapers would be a breeze and every little smile she gives me a reason to wake up in the next morning? Poetic words from a dad in love or ravings of a madman? Stay tuned to this blogcorner of mine and you will find out...

So is my sense of humour shooting blanks or there is still life to this happy camper of madness? Stay tuned...


Till next time then...

Take care all!


Thursday, 3 February 2011

Returning to blogging(?) and discovering the paternal funny bone...




I can't say I 've lost my writing head all this time, so no worries:)

It's been a while since I wrote something on this blog corner... In the meantime some negligible thingy in the cosmic sphere of things happened, like me becoming a dad... Wow! Let's see that again in all its bold letters glory... I' ve become a dad! Hmmm... that looks just about right now. So yeah, since 2 weeks ago I am the proud "owner", "papa", "head honcho", "cool as heck dad" of a baby daughter. Suddenly, the surge of ultra dadhood that has been coursing through my veins for the past two weeks has reset my interesting - o - meter to "write". OK, it may not have been as dramatic a transformation as I am describing here but the stupid evidence is there for all to see ... I wrote in my greek blog (equally in hiatus as this one for the past 4 - 5 months) a couple of days ago and now this... Is it contagious? Am I going to write posts like a madman from now on, standing upside down on my head in the middle of the living room? I can't say for certain...


Still getting used to recalibrating my funny bone with added "fatherhood infused " verbal rapid fire :).


Still, it does amaze me in a purely non-modest egomaniac way, that all of a sudden I have rediscovered "the fine art of writing" and how to cheerfully molest it once again with my mixed grill comic bookish english. By some twist of bloggish fate, this blog has been in writing hibernation but not in a drought of visitors. The gods of cool blogger widgets have a lot to do with this kinky paradox. Every day lots of people have entered the realm of this desserted blog using the miraculous powers of "google search", looking for things unrelated to the core essence of the writing malarchy displayed on these glorious premises. So, even by accident, some sort of movement by intelligent or not so intelligent life forms has taken place within "Deadpool's Laughing Den"(Sweeeeetttt...). Now, it is not a feat I am proud of personally, and probably a lot of the visitors who made the mistake of actually reading a few lines written by my majestic typing fingers, have been haunted by horrible nightmares ever since. But beggars can't be choosers and at least I have the cute personal illusion that this blog isn't dead just yet...


It all started innocently enough, kiss kiss bang bang and other "extreme sports" activities ... Then "all of a sudden" I became a father! Whoa!!!

So, I am a dad now and I am really curious if that is going to make me an unfunny slob ready to "bloggingly defend" my sacred family values with politically correct humour. Actually, that won't be happening in this lifetime but it is nice to remind myself once in a while that I won't becoming THAT sort of dad, the one that thrives on cliched behaviour and humourless social manners. Nah, stereotypical dads are boring (
all around nice guys I am sure, plus I love my dad - uber gay comment overload in progress- ...), so that is always a good motivation to not go down that path. Therefore, I am aspiring to ignite a new breed of uber dadness and prove once and for all in front of your bewildered reading eyes, that a dad can be responsible AND (wait for it, wait for it, wait for it ...) actually funny! And with this amazingly blunt statement I am - almost- concluding this pointless rant of a post!!!

The kid friendly Deadpoolite costume wasn't really working out for me... Still, I had to give it a try and "by the dusty bones of Walt Disney" I did just that... Then, the itching started and it all went back to pure "classic Deadpool look" from there:).

For what is worth, I will be returning with more DPish posts infused with my newly found "dad power". I can't say if anyone will be around to read but then again , if not, you will be missing out on the single reason worth living for on planet earth (besides sex, food, more sex and fatherhood)! And with those humbless words, I leave the premises, threatening to return sometime between changing diapers and losing my sleep downtime...

Till next time, take care all!




Saturday, 14 August 2010

An optimistic post about Greece, I kid you not:)

For the ones among you that are still alive since my last post and, for some perverted reason, keep visiting this blog space now and then I have to say : " You are da bombs!" whatever this massacrism of the english language truely means. When I kickstarted this blogdiocy of sorts back in the day of blo(r)gasm all around the internet, I intended for only one thing: "World Peace!". Well, not really but it seems that every leader around the globe has that somewhere in their agenda right before "free ice cream for the general public" and "taxes for taxes sake". Yeah, that sounds right about right in my book more or less.

Now, I am no leader since my number of minions is currently in the zeros and truth be told my only true future follower is currently incubating in the sexy womb of my other half (but more on that on a future post, let's not lose our focus here people!). The point of this post is that Greece isn't dead for the obvious reason that I am Greek and I am writing this excruciatingly painful for readers blog post, about my country. Contrary to what global media may have made you believe, Greeks are not tearing eachother apart for a loaf of bread (give us time we will meet your shitastic "expectations" in an alternative universe someday global bullshiters out there). Now this may come as a shock to you out there but we still proudly eat our tzatziki and consume gyros and greek salad, albeit in lesser quantities than before. So, yeah a lot of unemployment around this part of the world to which I have fallen a "proud" victim of, since a few months back. Oh well, more time for blogging till the next job I suppose:).


So yeah, we learned as a country that money do not materialize out of thin air and can suddenly become invisible from one day to the next, bummer! Oh well, nobody is perfect:).

Now in these "dark times" where every youtube video has some mentioning of the "greek tragedy" in progress, it really matters how one views the proverbial glass, half full or half empty. It does make a difference and I am not necessarily a representative greek specimen (since I obviously lack any common sense which is always a plus). The way I see it, all this crisis can really do to greeks, is force them to revaluate some things they took for granted and return to what truely matters in life: "sex and feta cheese!". Hmmm..., nah, scrub that example off the black board, it sucks and I won't have any of it.

The basic organisation of the greek state has always been "selectively objective" towards people with the right connections. Still, despite not all people having the right connections, there was never any serious "life threatening" problem of cash flowing in greek households (don't ask me where it all came from they just appeared out of thin air I tell you, LOL).Truth be told, most of greek families are not wealthy and are just getting by but there was always "an illusion of grandeur" in the citizens of this country for no apparent reason. Greeks are driven by some uncanny 'bon viveur" twist that makes them celebrate and destroy (at the same time because we are the gods of multitasking) the blessed by nature beautiful place they live on. You see Greece is one of the most beautiful places on earth with great diversity of landscape and the only ones that take it for granted and do not appreciate it enough are the Greeks, ironic eh?

This is Fyra : Santorini, beautiful place eh? And the damn country is full of such places, I love it!

But this is not a post about how Greeks do not appreciate Greece enough, since no blogspace in the world could cover this issue. This is a post about opportunity on the face of adversity. At the moment Greece is under renovation but with things being bought from places like IKEA, not using 'the other expensive stuff" that we can't afford. The country is being torn apart and is being reconstructed from the ground up, something that was long overdue and under ideal conditions would have been done progressively. Time is a luxury we don't have as a nation I am afraid, since some massive "bill shaped gilotines" are hanging over our heads threatening to cut our precious mousaka portions in half (dear god, not mousaka, anything but mousaka, you foreign gits out there, LOOOLL!!!).

Contrary to popular belief Greeks are adapting to this shity situation admirably.They don't like it, they have been falsely brought up with a golden spoon that doesn't belong to them but they are adapting. You see, greeks prevail under pressure (it took us 6 months to renovate the Olympic Stadium of Athens while it took the Brits 10 years to make the new Wembley I kid you not, lol).Maybe it is genetic, maybe we are just stupid asses that leave things till the last moment and then by using some sort of miraculous superpower we produce good results a minute before the deadline, I really don't know:).

The poster reads: "Attack of the giant moussaka". What? Shaking in your boots chickenshits? Didn't you think that we had a defensive plan B eh? LOL!!!

As with 90% of my posts I haven't thought of a single word prior to writing but I don't have to, I am Greek. In the moment of crisis my inherent superpower of "last moment triumph" kicks in so no worries there, heh. I am making this up as I type and loving every moment of it! Behind the freightened faces of greek people about 'what happens tomorrow', hides the determination of a nation that prevails under adverse conditions. If being in recession for several years means that a brighter future is being built for future generations, so be it. I am not one to shy away from a challenge and nor is the majority of the greek population. Heck, we may shed a few needed kilograms in the process which can only be a good thing:). Now back to that slice of glorious greek mousaka that I left untouched during lunch, mmm yammy!!! Come and have a taste you are going to love it!

If greek society manages to see what is happening as a challenge and a way to improve things then we will manage beautifully in good time. If not, then we will still manage but a lot of people are going to fall in the process and no opus is going to be written about their tragic tales...

Damn that was so poetic and serious I can't believe it was typed by my fingers (I never said I was modest folks, just sugar coated nutty!). If I smoked, this would be a good time to have a smoke and admire my blogging masterpiece.Then again, I can't afford smoking, so it is a good thing I don't, LOL!!!

Till next time, take care and laugh your heart out when the opportunity presents itself:)