Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Beware innocent movie goers, John (C)Ra(p)mbo is back!!!

Rambo being stealthy(truth be told, he seems more smelly than stealthy to me...). Okaaayyy... I am sold, NOT!!! :).

It wasn't too long ago that the movie "John Rambo" (a.k.a. Rambo 4) came to my attention and I gave it the "royal" treatment in this past post of mine. As soon as I had watched that trailer I knew that a new benchmark for uber cheesiness coupled with atrocious lameness would be set with this movie. Let's not forget that this is no b-movie in budget, so it has no excuses for being... well... the brainless monster of a movie that it is:). Yet, the male 'sentimentalist' in me prevailed (let's face it guns and boys go as much together as fish and feta cheese.... wait a minute fish and feta cheese don't go well oh well what can you do...heh).

I had to see this movie just to have an opinion on it. Let me rephrase that, I had to watch this movie just to be able to present my impressions of it in this blog. Oh the hell with it...let's be absolutely honest here... I had to see this motion picture so I could tear it apart 'limb by limb' and feel good about it. Yep, that is more like it... I was as biased as they come, I knew it was going to be a relic of the 80s with richer special effects and no consideration for political correctness. I knew that John Rambo would be once more a one man army that could annihilate hordes of foes by sheer breathing on them. And guess what, I didn't care at the absurdity of it all:). But enough of my past "expectations"! Time to unleash upon you the hard, cold, truth about this movie regardless of the readership casualties that such a task will certainly evoke. I am ready to pay the price for my insolence (aren't I always? LOL).

Heavy spoilers coming up!!! Not as heavy as Stallone's inflated muscles and definitely not as heavy as his massacring machine gun barrage against every poor extra in the film but still pretty heavy, LOL!!!

So as I comfortably positioned my punk Mercy ass on the movie theatre's seat, I knew I had already experienced the best part of the movie. A pack of warm pop corn in one hand and a diet coke on the other I was in movie land heaven and that was enough. As the main feature kicked in, I knew this heavenly feeling of enjoyment wouldn't last... We were treated to a barrage of crappily edited montage of war images and tortured victims since, guess what, the movie had to establish that the bad guys of the movie were ... well... BAD. Then, a severely constipated Stallone appeared on screen chasing snakes in the jungle. Truth be told he didn't really do much apart from waving his hands and other people grabbing the snake or the other way around (the problem was if he bent over his T-shirt would probably erupt since he was bloated as hell, especially his torso...).

Regardless, after being treated to some montage of Stallone literally sleep walking through the scenery and some more bad guy stuff (to establish that everything Rambo would do to them later on was justified...), a pack of missionaries came into the fold. Rambo told them not to go to the war zone and -surprise, surprise- they went, because otherwise Rambo would have to keep chasing snakes for the rest of the movie and that would be, not so "Rambo-ish" I suppose...The funny thing was that one of the missionaries said : "I've been making this trip for the past decade and I am aware of all the dangers...". As soon as they set foot on their destination, the missionaries were captured (I guess all that decade long experience of travelling to the place paid out really well for the leader of the expedition, LOL).

He is gonna blow!!! And you know it:).

Up to that point Stallone was heavily sedated (wait a minute he is always like that, it is called 'method (bs)acting' I am told...LOL). The pastor that sent the expedition to this suicide mission hired mercenaries to recover the captured missionaries (let's face it, probably all pastors in the Rambo universe have mercenaries on speed dial right next to the pizza delivery numbers...) . Rambo tagged along with the useless mercenaries for 3 apparent reasons: 1)He liked the only woman in the expedition probably because she didn't faint from the stench oozing from his armpits, 2) Butchering bad guys does better box office than chasing snakes, 3) More shooting means less talking and that is always preferable for Stallone and every action hero ever depicted on film.

The Mercenaries although totally useless and clueless about every aspect of their mission ditched Rambo as being, well, a bit gay and sleepy eyed. Moments later, he used his trusty bow for something other than fishing (yes, fishing...) and in no time he was leading them! I suppose using one of his patented 'malarchy infused speeches' about warriors being warriors and not plumbers or something ( and certainly not snake eaters, snake tamers, snake molesters and anything snake related I assume) did the trick. In the meantime, the bad guys were doing bad things over at the camp like ravaging everything that moved and looking menacing in their gay getups. Surprisingly, although in ' extremely horny overload mode' they didn't even think of touching the only WHITE BLONDE WOMAN in the premises. But then again this is a Rambo movie and they were only going to attempt such a feat only secs before the main man, the big cheese, the dude, his majesty, John Rambo himself would be seconds away from tearing their throats apart. How convenient...:)

'Us' action heroes have all the same priorities more or less it seems... It is what keeps us going:). Technically, I am an 'action looney' extraordinaire but beggars can't be choosers, LOL!!!

After the ridiculously edited rescue mission and a courageous sprint of a 'steroids dripping' Stallone through the jungle that resulted in a ridiculously big explosion, the movie entered its final act. Miraculously the Mercenaries were captured instantly by their pursuers although in the previous scene they were armed and dangerous but who cares if they were trained professionals... Noone is as trained as Rambo, except from Chuck Norris who can pretty much level mountains with a single kick as we all know... So when all seemed lost, who saved the day? But Rambo of course...

This is where the movie became an all out videogame with Stallone mounting a machine gun attached on a jeep and massacring every single living being on screen, except, of course, from his allies (because as we all know Rambo never misses a shot and if he does then Chuck Norris will probably stop the bullet in mid flight with his bare hands so no worries , LOL).So despite Rambo being stationary, on a jeep, with every enemy knowing his position, he managed to butcher every one in sight keeping at it for around 20 mins with his ass literally 'embedded' on the jeep(it is a known fact that enemy bullets 'respect' Rambo so much that they never make impact, so no surprises there...). If memory serves a single bullet hit Rambo but by the looks of it, a mosquito bite would be much more lethal and bloody since 'the mulleted fool with a red headband twist' didn't even blink. After lazily finishing off the last bunch of pointlessly standing enemies that happily positioned themselves in his line of fire, Rambo dismounted from the jeep (or slipped and fell from it, the verdict is still out on that one...), just in time to gut the leader of the bad guys who conveniently passed by right next to where Rambo was (I like punctuality in a bad guy, I really do, when all he does is land gracefully on the hero's knife,it is just so 'realistic'...). Now that Rambo had used his trusty knife for something else than spreading peanut butter on bread and all Rambo cliches in the list had been done to death, a Stallone at the verge of a stroke smirked like 'a bloated balloon on crack' before leaving the scene, presumably scratching his ass in the process but that is still open to debate. As for the movie finale, let's just say that "Rambo 5 : Brokeback stoner" is not too unrealistic an option :).

The admiration of Rambo's enemies towards his superb marksmanship skills knew no bounds... The only problem was, that they had no limbs attached to shake his hand and no heads attached to ask for an autograph...:)

Having concluded this onslaught of a movie review of 'John Rambo' or 'Rambo 4' or "the action movie that Stallone managed to complete without bursting from steroids" I have only one question in mind... When is Rambo 5 coming out? LOL!!!

Hope you cracked a smile or two!

Till next time, take care all!

Thursday, 17 January 2008

The art of killing time...

Killing time is a fine art... Some people whine all the time that they don't have enough time and when they eventually get it, they don't know what to do with it! This post is really about me and how I am killing time prior to the 4th of February when I will be joining the greek army for a year's obligatory service. In other words I don't want to go but I have to go because if I don't go I would wish that I would have gone due to the repercussions of not going, LOL! ( I always wanted to write one of this "mouthfulish" statements that make people scratch their heads and read it twice, yeah, another blogging ambition fulfilled! Will my awesomeness ever end? LOL). So let's see how a Merc without employment(everything is in deep freeze because of the army, remember 'the Governator's' performance in 'Batman and Robin' ? Even colder...) spends his days in the savageland called Lamia.

The funny thing about this time period in my life is that there is no actual schedule involved in the daily proceedings. Since my girlfriend is away at the moment I have to find some alternative ways to entertain my awesomeness... A lifetime as an only child has taught me the fine art of having a good time with yourself (that sounded a bit perverted didn't it? Good!!!LOL). Since with every passing day I am coming closer to a year's time full of military gear and excess testosterone I opted to massively exercise my solitary hobbies such as watching movies, reading comics, playing videogames, blogging, probably shoving old ladies in the street and making them bump onto eachother and definitely performing death defying stunts like getting up from bed and taking a shave (yeah I know, I like living dangerously...). Well that was the plan but so far going from theory to practice, from point A to point B, from room to room and from channel to channel on TV hasn't been what it was cracked up to be.

Where is a room full of clowns when you need one to let some steam out....Hey a man has to have hobbies right? LOL

The main problem is, that I feel a certain degree of pointlessness in everything I do at the moment (ok shoving old ladies never gets old but for the sake of argument let's just say that it does, LOL). It is true though... I feel like this date of joining the army hangs above my head like a gilotine of sorts. Let me elaborate on that... It is not the act of joining the army that makes me feel that way, it is the fact that sometimes I wish I could join the damn thing tomorrow! I have waited too long for this stupid deadline to come and now it cant come soon enough... I just want to get on with it and stop having the rest of my life on hold...(calm down DP, calm down, count to ten and visualize a nude Eva Mendes winking at you with sexual intent.... see, the world isn't a bad place after all but it will be if/when your girlfriend reads this, LOL).

At the moment my Xbox360 is 'on fire' (
not literally although I may set it on fire at some point as a final stand of sorts against corporate malarchy.... eat this Bill Gates!!! LOL). I have finished a couple of games, namely 'Kameo : Elements of Power' and 'Halo 3'. The first game is about a fairy that can transform into various sorts of creatures each with their own unique abilities in her effort to save her family from the clutches of evil orcs or whatever (you know it is this 'originality' in concept that will be the end of the gaming industry one day...). Besides the obvious absurd fact that there should be no orcs left in any pop culturish creation since ALL were offed in the Lord of the Rings trilogy the game was good fun. Nothing special but at least a colourful generic adventure of sorts.

Could the Master Chief be Chuck Norris?! Now why wouldn't that surprise me... No wonder he has the helmet on , non - stop, for 3 consecutive games:).

Halo 3' on the other hand is a game where a malakas futuristic trooper has been locked inside his cybernetic armour(I am guessing AGAIN since this is part 3 of this series) thus he is not obviously the 'sharpest pencil in the box' judging from the fact that he hasn't been able to get out of it in 3 games!!! Apart from the disturbing notion that this trooper hasn't taken a leak in 3 games because of obvious -ahem- armour limitations, he is a pretty cool I mean fighter that can off anything that moves under the gamer's control. The game was pretty good overall, highly cliched story wise but the presentation and gameplay were ace, so I felt a certain degree of satisfaction finishing it (not as much satisfaction as the lead character -Master Chief- will get after ditching the armour and taking a leak after 3 games of course...).So I guess gaming wise it has been a good period for me...

Reading comics is becoming more of an acquired taste treat as I become older but it is still a nice downtime... If I had to present two highlights(both negative) of my current comic bookish addiction these would be: 1) The Deadpool comic book is getting cancelled now that is has started getting really good (
bummer!!!) 2) Peter Parker and Mary Jane are not married in the Spiderman comics anymore since some malakas had the idea of reversing time in the comics thus erasing every part of the continuity of the Spiderman comics of the past 30 years... I think this is such a lame and lazy way to reinvent a character that it defies belief... thus I won't be buying Amazing Spiderman again just on principle (good for my wallet to, hooray!!!).

As I confessed my career is in a state of 'compulsory hiatus' and sometimes I think that my brain went with it... Just look at how "prepared" I am for action, any action for that matter:).

As for blogging and watching movies these two past times have been trapped in oblivion since I don't feel like writing and I don't think I can actually watch a movie without falling asleep at the moment. Some people may call it 'lethargic predisposition' I call it pure, shameless laziness to focus. Because that is the key concept here, 'focus' and I don't want to exercise any of it. I just want to save my remaining brain cells for when they are really needed and dump down my attitude towards life for the upcoming military service. Unfortunately, my brain cells have once again revolted against their owner so they keep operating at full capacity... bloody brain cells... they never listen to me... they just think, think, think and when they want to have fun they think some more... Oh well, it could be worse I could have had the collective conciousness of a sprout so I wouldn't be able to blog for pretty apparent reasons:).

I just realized that this was a pretty pointless post but who cares, this is
Deadpool's Laughing Den so anything goes really:)

Till next time, take care and stay away from landmines (
what kind of wish was that... oh man... that does it... I am calling my insanist now... was that Dimitris? No, Dimitris jumped from his office window after our last session... Let's call Giannis then... Giannis has been locked up in an asylum muttering ' No DP , pure joy' all the time... Hmmm... better get the Golden Pages or something to find a new vict... I mean insanist to tort... I mean to help me... LOL).


P.S. : If you think about it I actually talked about the 'art of killing time' in my own unique way... what did you say, "you don't get it"?... Hey I wrote this post didn't I? LOL. There is method to my madness I tell you:)

Tuesday, 8 January 2008

"DP reporting for duty sir , yes sir!!!"

Ok, let's get the big announcement out of the way first : "Sometime in early February Deadpoolite is joining the greek army to serve in it for a year's time". Now, pick up your jaws from the floor, stop pinching yourselves to see if you are awake or not and pay attention because it is hard for a non-greek to comprehend this(heck it is hard even for a greek to understand this utter foolishness, LOL).

First day in the army can be a bit intimidating especially for younger recruits(thanks fuck I am not 18...). Oh well it could be worse, one could be hit by a BUUUUSSS!!! Oh!!! That was painful....ouch!

In Greece each guy above 18 has the obligation to serve in the greek army for a year. You can postpone it for certain reasons, like health issues, studies in higher education and other reasons that would justify doing so. Eventually, everyone serves in the greek army unless they buy their way out of it(pretty expensive) after a certain age or they have some serious recurring problem that is not subsiding with passing years. Let's try to answer why this malarchy happens in my country and what its repercussions are for the individuals going through with it...

Why does Greece have such an obligatory 'army' joining policy?

Theoretically we are under constant threat from Turkey which is constantly messing with our borders and wants that little extra piece of the Aegean sea(Aegean sea is the natural border between Greece and Turkey) for itself, despite all international treaties stating clearly where the actual borders of the two countries are. Their fighter jets trespass in our airspace and out figther jets retaliate in response in 'virtual combat sessions so to speak'.This happens a lot of times per day and it is a neverending cycle of malarchy and ridiculous money expenditure for both countries. I have no doubt that our jets trespass in their airspace as well now and then just to make a point. In all honesty, the event of an actual all out war is negligible since Turkey is desperate to join the EU one way or another and they need our support since we are already members of it(this is a rather simplistic approach of the relations between the two countries but this post has no purpose to venture into such diplomatic nightmare territories, brrrr, scary... even for DP!). It is a fact that the rest of Europe doesnt want Turkey because in all essence it is a democracy in paper and a shady military powered regime in actuality. Regardless, the greek state has an active military obligation for all males supposedly because of the 'Turkish threat' but in all honesty in this day and era they just need the manpower to operate the military camps since permanently stationed troopers are not enough to do so efficiently. Anyhow, that is that...

They better not leave me guard the ammunition storage facility because it can get....ahem... sparky!!! LOL

Now instead of boring you out with an account of meaningless facts I would like to take a more original approach and conduct a 'self interview' of sorts (yeah I am nuts like that...). It will be more of a case of things you might want to ask me about it and my response to them, let's see....

Q: So when are you actually joining the army and what division of it are you joining?
A: I am expecting to be asked to join between February 5th to February 15th or thereabouts, the actual 'letter of recruitment' will come my way around the 20th of January(
and I needed some firestarting material for the fireplace, brilliant, LOL!). Because of my specialty (I am a Biochemist/Biotechnologist) I will probably be in the health services division of the army but that is not dead certain( I am no special forces material that is if for sure,thanks fuck for that, LOL!)

Q: Where do you serve and will you always be in one place?
A: First one serves in a training camp for a month or thereabouts where he learns the basics about being in the army (booorrriinnnggg, unless I get to shoot someone and make it look like an accident which would seriously up the excitement let's face it, heh....). Then he is stationed close or at the borders of the country somewhere for 4-6 months, then he moves closer to home for the rest of his military life until one is discharged.

Q: So will you be always in a camp or what?
A: The way this works is this. Overall, you got around a month off which of course you take fractured now and then throughout the year. Then again you got a lot of times where you get to leave for several hours if you dont have active duty on the day. When on active duty, which is more often than not, you live in the camp. Ah the life in the army, so simplistic in its pointlessness, I "love it" (no offense to people who have served in the army by the way, just my viewpoint nothing more, nothing less...)

Q: Are you at all phased by this development, are you worried, are you anxious, how do you feel?
A: I think if I went younger to the army I would be 'shitting bricks' from anxiety but now all I want is to get on with it and be done with it. I am not worried about the army thing per se but its repercussions to the rest of my life outside the army. My career will be in stand by mode for a year, my relationship is either going to get stronger or get torn to pieces and for a year my routine will be 'the army's routine' which isn't exactly 'fascinating' (but then again some blogs out there -none of my links thank god for that- are so lame and generic that they make military life seem , well, exciting LOL!)

Let's leave Mr Deadpool himself elaborate on how tough it is to maintain a relationship when in the army... Hmmm... I have a better idea... let's not!!! LOL!

Q: Hey how about some positive aspects of the whole experience?
A: There are plenty actually. I have the excuse of being lazy and not working fulltime for no jackass boss for a year! Hooray!!! I am bound to make some friends out of the whole experience since we are all in the same boat in there and it would be interesting -at least at the beginning- to see how this 'military world' operates and behaves. Oh yes, I am a nutty philosopher of sorts so I will be observing closely heh! I am sure the novelty will wear off soon though:). Also on the plus side, when you are a trooper every time you get back home everyone treats you like a King (no, not Elvis, LOL) so that is always a bonus:).

Q:Tell us now though, is this the end of Deadpool's Laughing Den?
A: Keep dreaming people... I am here to stay, whether you stay around or not it is your choice but I am not quitting blogging. The simple reason is, I love creative writing! I would like to think that this year is going to induce a permutation of sorts to the blog rather than end its existence. I am going to blog less often, firstly because of obvious restrictions/reduced internet accessibility and secondly because I dont want to whine about the army routine day in day out, that would be just annoying. So when in whining mood I will just shut up (I am sure some of you would like me to do this in a more permanent basis but this is not a perfect world we live in, LOL!) The fact of the matter is though, that I like you lot too much not to keep in touch, so whenever possible I will write and comment in your blogs. Just not too often but I will be around.

I hope the army guns have labels like these on them or my military service is going to be a pretty short lived thrill... LOL!

Q:Any last wishes?
A: Oh come on, I am only joining the army it is not the end of the world:).It could be the end of the greek army as we know it though...

Q: Last but not least, what is the real question here?
A: The real question is, not if I can handle the greek army experience but if the greek army can handle the 'Deadpoolite experience'. Poor suckers over there at the greek army, they will be soon entering a world of madness like no other.... poor suckers... :)

P.S.: During my military service all posts will go under an appropriate label since I'd like them to be representative of this period in my life. The name of the label will be disclosed to you later on this month. Till then, normal blogging service will resume as always, heh, you cheerful DP addicts, I am not done with you yet!!!

Take care all!