Monday, 11 May 2009

Dead Rising, oh save system where art thou?

Sales to die for...

As you all probably know I am an avid videogamer: 1) When the mood strikes me, 2) When I got the time, 3) Can't remember what I wanted to write in spot 3 but you are still reading this, so you probably have way too much free time in your hands anyway. In all my time spent inside videogaming worlds of various quality and sense ("sense?" What was that all about? A momentary involentarily lapse into logic it seems... hmmm worrying isn't it...)there is one unanimous concept that makes a smile light my nearly perfect face ('nearly' just because I am modest you see): "Killing zombies is good!". I mean what is not to like: "They are dumb, they attack me so it is definitely self defense and they are already dead! Thus, finishing them off is practically an act of mercy since I essentially return them back 'home' being the gaming humanitarian that I am" . If you have ever heard a more wacky rationalization of videogaming on-screen violence I will eat M and Ms until I burst or take their colour (which would make my life highly unpleasant or full of potential and opportunity respectively, LOL! I am a man of ambition after all... LOL!). Now, before you lose what little sense you got left in you dear readers, I will move in for the kil.... I mean I will proceed to the (preferrably undead) meat of this post.

Ah, my adoring blogging fans... Can't wait to read the rest of the post... Who would have thought they would reach such extremes to 'eat' my words of wacky wisdom:).

Once upon a time there was a game called "Dead Rising" and let me tell you it wasn't about impotent old geezers that were feasting on tons of Viagra and had their "deads" "up" and looking for "action"(which would make for a true survival horror game conceptually, come to think of it, LOL!). This game was about zombies in a Shopping Mall, much like the 'Dawn of the Dead' movie(and I am talking about the old movie where zombies were overtaken by turtles speedwise and not about the recent remake where zombies could easily outrun Usain Bolt ). The story of the game begins with the player taking control of the photojournalist Frank West (what a rare and strange name... NOT!). The guy lands in the middle of a zombie infested Mall and the objective is to survive in the place for 3 days until the pilot comes back to pick him up. In the meantime, Frank's "diet of choice" is simple: find out what is going on, take pictures of anything remotely interesting or not and mow down zombies using anything he can get his hands on (excluding killer stileto heels ladies, some "weapons" are better left untouched my male hands...) in the store!!! Now, conceptually this game is a wannabe zombie killer's wet dream of sorts since your choice of weapons include things like a lawnmower machine, chainsaws, swords, bowling balls, CDs and anything you can get your hands on. Literally, if you can pick something up, it can kill a zombie somehow. So then, the game is cool for satisfying the amateur sadist that we all have deep within (or is that just me... damn... here I come baring my insane soul to the masses once more, LOL!).

A fine specimen of the deranged gallery of human psychos that had holed up in the Mall during the zombie outbreak... Ah, the shopping mall, such a warm and welcoming place...:).

So, now that I have established that the game is an orgy of twisted fun let's see where it all went downhill. And when I say downhill, I mean lower than an undead's dress sense and self esteem and that is officially as LOW as it gets!!! The game's main story is structured as case files much like the episodes of a TV series where certain events need to be completed by a certain time limit. If time permits, there are lots of side missions to keep busy (all of them suitably bloody I assure ya, so this is no game for the vegetarians among you). The problem is that the time frame is too strict and if you fail to finish one scenario by the required time the game ends... And let me tell you all the horror I had unleashed as a progressively deranged Frank West in the Mall hadn't prepared me for the horror I was about to face near the end of the game. After making my way through the hordes of the undead via impeccable stylish morally ambiguous ways, and near the completion of the game, I beat the final bad guy and I was on my way to watch the finale... Only, it didn't happen... I had passed the time limit by a fuck.... up minute so the game ended abruptly!!! Let me tell you how that feels after a total sum of 12-15 hours of gaming... IT SUCKS!!! My gamepad fell on the floor, followed by my jaw and the rest of me followed soon after... If I ever structurally resembled one of the undead this was the time... After being pieced together by my half bepuzzled, half bemused girlfriend I realised that I had to replay the WHOLE GAME to reach the finale... And all of this because dear frigging CAPCOM(as in the company who made the game...) had placed only one save slot in the game, so if that was fucked... you were fucked... which makes for a neat little fucked up package come to think of it....

The "betrayal" of the game's save system was too much to bare. So I kinda lost my head...:). That was just a flesh wound in my videogaming psyche though, soon I would be back, head attached and all, h(a)ngry for more:).

Having avoided the stroke from the realization that I wasted 12-15 hours of my life playing a game with the most ridiculous save system ever, I restarted the game and marched through the undead(literally THROUGH the undead I assure you...LOL!) with a fury that the popculture universe hasn't seen since the rage of avid Star Wars fans towards Jar Jar Binks back in the days of the "Phantom Menace" (and I heard that was pretty bad... or so the geek legend says, hahaha). After around 10 hours I finished the game getting one of the crappiest finales available but that didn't matter... I had prevailed VS the twisted corporal stupidity of a videogame developer that made a really good videogame with ONE KILLER FLAW... A save system so badly designed, a zombie would have made a better job creating it for sure... As I put my gamepad on the floor, I grinned with glee. The Deadpoolite VS Capcom contest had ended with DP the winner, it was no contest really:). With those final thoughts I passed out, equally affected by the realization of my stupidity in persisting with this game and pure kinky exhaustion... It wouldn't be the first time and it definitely won't be the last...

And here comes the sequel... better fix that save system Capcom...or else:).

Hope you cracked a smile or two with this twisted tale of videogaming madness:).

Till next time, take care all!


Sol (Frederick) Badguy said...

A couple of between psychos remarks:
.Sanity? How did that bit enter?
.Nearly Perfect? But the face of Wade is too scarred to be imperfect, the face of Tom Cruz is too unscarred to fit his handsomness
.Eat zombies color away? They have colors? They're the definition of colorless pale
.Little sense from us psychos is nonsense, does thee not agree bird beak head? Polly want asparagus
.Whats an old geezer who married a young hot cheek pantasy...pardon me, fantasy? To visit "Viagra Falls", or to hire a merc who calls a gun a doorknob to fetch a blitzball in rhino suit's horn
.The Frank is insane, he jumps between flash eating zombies
.Maybe giagantic artificial breasts would make great weapons, don't you agree your majesty? Condoms are great weapons to choke the air out zombies
.I am not a sadist, I just want people to fear me? Is that so little to ask?
.Clowns are fatal, which Y I never liked "Ronald McDonald" (no offense to his fans)
.Did you turn ghostly white from disgust and your parts broke before falling? This happens to me when I'm dissapointed
.One everyday walks among the undead, no need to lirterize this fact in a game
.One is oughta sing Men In Black and the zombies give you alien like dances and fall
.Not the first..not the last...we're all nuts (tongue out through my unpierced mask)
.I'm a video gaming psycho, I did not simply crack a smile, I broke some

Thank you your majesty for allowing us to release our insanity in this blog, or I might've needed aspirins to kick my jaws to end my tension

Zhu said...

Everytime I read this blog I have to remind myself that:

1) You are slightly insane
2) That is okay because you are a secret agent

You are, aren't you? I mean, it's well known that no gamer has a girlfriend. And I know you do. So you are obviously lying. Busted cover! :D

Calista*Was*Here said...

I try not to say anything like 'oh videogames... where is the thrill there?!' :)

But I always enjoy the way you express your addiction :)

I have to mention that pic again ... post it DP .. post it my CyberHero ... I would love it ... and others too :)

Don't let me wait too long.... stay well and eliminate more (already dead) zombies :)


Deadpoolite said...

@Sol (Frederick) Badguy

Oooookkkaaayyyy....:). I don't have a clue what you are talking about but I sssoooo totally agree!!! Breaking a smile is what this blog is all about!So glad to know you had fun with this post:)

Keep up spreading the word of wackiness dude!


1)Slightly? Hmmm... I need to "work" harder it seems:).

2)I am a wacky blogging antihero thank you very much:). "Secret agent" she said, the nerve of some people!

Videogamers do evolve at some point you know right:). So yeah, girlfriend attached for the long ride it seems:).

Take care gal!


Good to know you are having fun girl! If my pic fits into a post conceptually (not as sizewise then, LOL!!!) I will post it. So yeah there is hope to grace this blog with my awesomeness at some point but till then DP and his ugly mug will have to suffice:).

Be well!

Sol (Frederick) Badguy said...

@ Zhu; Video gaming dudes have no girlfriends? This is the age of video games, a dude & his chic challenge each other in Final Fantasy. BTW: Still there are so many of us who watch cartoons

@ Calista*Was*Here; No thrill in video games? You need to enter the realm of video games more often my dear.

@ Deadpoolite; No idea...what am I saying.....? I do very much need to learn to write better

Nothing of what I said is obvious? Not even references to volume 1 issues? NOTHING?


Deadpoolite said...

@Sol (Frederick) Badguy

Don't worry about it, this blog welcomes all types of insanity with open arms:). Besides, I am DP remember, you never know what I really understand and what I don't. It is part of my charm,like a diet based solely on M and Ms overdosing, thus you will never truely know how much I did understand:).

Sol (Frederick) Badguy said...

What system do you play this game on?

How do you add a visitors counter to the blog?

Your linked, people who enter my blog can view yours. No I'm not selfish, I'm a "White Shark"

Muse said...

never fear, my blog isn't gone i just hid it temporariyl because someone i know was actually googling me and trying to find stuff on the net from me and i think they found my site me again with your email and i'll add you to the special people