The Rambo 4 trailer, a chunk of b-movie heaven (manic laughter ensues…)

God bless youtube… hey I am not kidding! I haven’t sold out to the commercial sirens of this fun little place called World Wide Web just yet but credit should be awarded when it is due. A few days ago, I was bored, I was puzzled by what my next step would be in this adventure called life, I was daydreaming about a blonde conquest I had set my “love sight” superpower on (hey Spiderman has spidersense I got love sight, I really don’t know who got the worst part of the superpowers deal, lol) you can call it whatever you want…I was mentally all over the place (story of my life…lol). Then, as I was lazily browsing the web I went by the familiar internet neighbourhood of youtube to find something to spice things up, even if only in the visual sense, or to just make my laughter sense go wild (yep, I got all the cool superpowers, fact, lol). For some uncanny reason I typed in “Rambo 4” to see if there were any movie clips of this upcoming spectacle of past glories goodness.

"Who needs a razor blade for shaving...Not Rambo for sure..."

I got one better than I expected…someone had put a full fleshed trailer of the Rambo 4 movie on the site! The movie is now cheekily called “John Rambo”, probably because this way the movie sounds more like a hopeful new beginning rather than the last nail in the coffin of a movie series that should have been dead and buried right after the decent first movie. Curiosity (as if I needed an excuse, lol) got the best of me and I clicked the appropriate link to watch the trailer clip. For the next couple of minutes, I witnessed bits and pieces of what seems to constitute the new Rambo movie. Following the end of the trailer, I bursted into wild laughter! Maybe I needed it more that I expected, maybe it was just my usual folly self getting out in the open once again… truth be told it doesn’t really matter, what matters is that this damn clip of Rambo 4 made my day so to speak!

"This is where it all started..."

Basically there are so many things that I found highly amusing in this trailer, it is unbelievable! I am not one to shy away from a challenge so I ‘ll try to present you the juice of the funny parts as good as I can. The trailer begins with John Rambo aka Sly Stallone being an overaged veteran loner, albeit one so pumped up with steroids that he could give the great pharmaceutical industries of this world a run for their money to keep up with his personal daily consumption of the “good stuff”. From the first lines he speaks, it seems that what Rambo has gained in muscle tissue all these years of movie exile he has lost it in verbal prowess (I double checked if the trailer was running at normal speed or at slow motion and to my horror it was actually running at normal speed! Yep the poor bastard was talking THAT slow…). From the first few viewing moments, you can tell that Stallone is bored out of his mind of the whole affair but to his credit he goes for it anyway, sleep walking(or sleep talking depending on your perspective….lol) in scene after scene. The highlight of his “non-war days” is when he is shown fishing in the local river using his trusty bow and arrows since traditional methods of fishing apparently don’t cut it in that river (I kinda of hoped that he would use his explosive arrows for fishing in that scene but life is full of disappointments I suppose…lol). Anyway, as fate would have it (how original…) the ever “amateur pacifist” Rambo is thrown pretty soon into the thick of the action. His quest? To liberate a blonde chick from the clutches of some unknown guerrilla warriors or whatever. That is when things went from slightly amusing to full blown ridiculously funny. Let me elaborate on that one…

"This seems like a movie mastepiece all of a sudden...Adrriieennneee..."

To begin with, Rambo is shown seemingly creeping behind an unsuspecting and apparently absolutely deaf guard to off him from behind. This sounds all good enough action but it became ludicrous since Rambo took his sweet time to stand up behind the guy, grind his teeth like a victim of extreme constipation before delivering the death blow (let’s just say an ox would have been more inconpiscuous…lol). Then, sudden cut to a jeep with a mounted machine gun on (which was conveniently placed next to the hapless, now diseased, guard…) and Rambo starts shooting like mad everything that moves. “Everything that moves” helps Rambo’s just cause by conveniently aligning themselves directly in front of his line of fire to save him time from such trivial things like aiming and reloading. Then, we see the blonde woman tied up with her hands behind her back, pleading with a skinny guard not to unleash his "sex mojo" on her. The guy is of course defiant of the request or just doesn’t understand English and attempts to unzip his trousers… the thing is it seems this guy couldn’t unzip his pants if his life depended on it. Visually, he resembled more a guy that was making a poor attempt at sensually stripping or a dude whose zipper had suddenly become self-aware, warmly embracing his balls and not leting go (I wouldn’t like to be him when his prostate runs rampant at an old age and unzipping fast becomes a top survival skill…). Truth be told, being the nutty guy that I am, I expected his “southern area package” to break the clutches of its confinement and scream “Freedom!” bursting out of his pants. As fate would have it though, Rambo terminated him “silently” from behind depriving me of this guilty, albeit highly unlikely, pleasure. After that sequence of pure bliss, a few scenes followed where Rambo killed off a couple of guys gutting them (I guess he had a lot of practise gutting fish and he took it to the next level, go figure…), he shouted lazily at the now saved blonde “Run! You can make it”, he sprinted for a whole 2 metres without collapsing from exhaustion (better than I can manage I am sure, lol) and he shot an explosive arrow at some poor bastard who just happened to pass by (either the local postman or a guy killed for the 100^th time in this movie, they all look the same blown up you know, lol). All of a sudden the Rambo 4 trailer was nearing completion with Stallone walking by the screen, lazily looking in disbelief around him, bewildered at the whole affair(or maybe he was just trembling under the weight of the impending hefty payday at the box office who knows...). In that final glorious shot, he seemed more keen to devour a couple of cheeseburgers with fries and coke than to embark on a killing spree (I guess it is his version of “method acting”, lol). Then the words “John Rambo” flashed on the screen and the trailer ended, giving my brain synapses a much needed break…

"Ok, I officially peed my pants now...
I mean to make 4 movies out of THIS GUY,
he is bloody unstoppable alright"

I wonder what if Stallone met Rambo instead, one short conversation there, first the gutting then the talking...lol"


Throughout most of this surreal viewing experience I was either gently smiling or laughing out loud. I am not going to watch this movie in the theatres, I don’t see the point, but boy am I going to rent/buy the DVD and view it repeatedly in instants of boredom, sadness or self-existential crisis. Yep, all credit to you Stallone, you got to me at the end, maybe not in the way you anticipated (action movie) but with a “healthy?” side effect (comedy gold) of what you actually aimed for. ”John Rambo” seems like a b-movie gem dressed up in blockbuster clothes and is destined for b-movie heaven as so many movies before it… it is so bad it’s good… just wait and see…

"Never truer words have been spoken...roll on John Rambo!"

Now that my rant is finished I can thank you all once again for joining the fun!

Till next time, ta da!

p.s. Got to share this link of Rambo madness before it self destructs, go for it at your own risk:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxpUaLD6LhI