Monday, 4 June 2007

The Rambo 4 trailer, a chunk of b-movie heaven (manic laughter ensues…)

God bless youtube… hey I am not kidding! I haven’t sold out to the commercial sirens of this fun little place called World Wide Web just yet but credit should be awarded when it is due. A few days ago, I was bored, I was puzzled by what my next step would be in this adventure called life, I was daydreaming about a blonde conquest I had set my “love sight” superpower on (hey Spiderman has spidersense I got love sight, I really don’t know who got the worst part of the superpowers deal, lol) you can call it whatever you want…I was mentally all over the place (story of my life…lol). Then, as I was lazily browsing the web I went by the familiar internet neighbourhood of youtube to find something to spice things up, even if only in the visual sense, or to just make my laughter sense go wild (yep, I got all the cool superpowers, fact, lol). For some uncanny reason I typed in “Rambo 4” to see if there were any movie clips of this upcoming spectacle of past glories goodness.

"Who needs a razor blade for shaving...Not Rambo for sure..."

I got one better than I expected…someone had put a full fleshed trailer of the Rambo 4 movie on the site! The movie is now cheekily called “John Rambo”, probably because this way the movie sounds more like a hopeful new beginning rather than the last nail in the coffin of a movie series that should have been dead and buried right after the decent first movie. Curiosity (as if I needed an excuse, lol) got the best of me and I clicked the appropriate link to watch the trailer clip. For the next couple of minutes, I witnessed bits and pieces of what seems to constitute the new Rambo movie. Following the end of the trailer, I bursted into wild laughter! Maybe I needed it more that I expected, maybe it was just my usual folly self getting out in the open once again… truth be told it doesn’t really matter, what matters is that this damn clip of Rambo 4 made my day so to speak!

"This is where it all started..."

Basically there are so many things that I found highly amusing in this trailer, it is unbelievable! I am not one to shy away from a challenge so I ‘ll try to present you the juice of the funny parts as good as I can. The trailer begins with John Rambo aka Sly Stallone being an overaged veteran loner, albeit one so pumped up with steroids that he could give the great pharmaceutical industries of this world a run for their money to keep up with his personal daily consumption of the “good stuff”. From the first lines he speaks, it seems that what Rambo has gained in muscle tissue all these years of movie exile he has lost it in verbal prowess (I double checked if the trailer was running at normal speed or at slow motion and to my horror it was actually running at normal speed! Yep the poor bastard was talking THAT slow…). From the first few viewing moments, you can tell that Stallone is bored out of his mind of the whole affair but to his credit he goes for it anyway, sleep walking(or sleep talking depending on your perspective….lol) in scene after scene. The highlight of his “non-war days” is when he is shown fishing in the local river using his trusty bow and arrows since traditional methods of fishing apparently don’t cut it in that river (I kinda of hoped that he would use his explosive arrows for fishing in that scene but life is full of disappointments I suppose…lol). Anyway, as fate would have it (how original…) the ever “amateur pacifist” Rambo is thrown pretty soon into the thick of the action. His quest? To liberate a blonde chick from the clutches of some unknown guerrilla warriors or whatever. That is when things went from slightly amusing to full blown ridiculously funny. Let me elaborate on that one…

"This seems like a movie mastepiece all of a sudden...Adrriieennneee..."

To begin with, Rambo is shown seemingly creeping behind an unsuspecting and apparently absolutely deaf guard to off him from behind. This sounds all good enough action but it became ludicrous since Rambo took his sweet time to stand up behind the guy, grind his teeth like a victim of extreme constipation before delivering the death blow (let’s just say an ox would have been more inconpiscuous…lol). Then, sudden cut to a jeep with a mounted machine gun on (which was conveniently placed next to the hapless, now diseased, guard…) and Rambo starts shooting like mad everything that moves. “Everything that moves” helps Rambo’s just cause by conveniently aligning themselves directly in front of his line of fire to save him time from such trivial things like aiming and reloading. Then, we see the blonde woman tied up with her hands behind her back, pleading with a skinny guard not to unleash his "sex mojo" on her. The guy is of course defiant of the request or just doesn’t understand English and attempts to unzip his trousers… the thing is it seems this guy couldn’t unzip his pants if his life depended on it. Visually, he resembled more a guy that was making a poor attempt at sensually stripping or a dude whose zipper had suddenly become self-aware, warmly embracing his balls and not leting go (I wouldn’t like to be him when his prostate runs rampant at an old age and unzipping fast becomes a top survival skill…). Truth be told, being the nutty guy that I am, I expected his “southern area package” to break the clutches of its confinement and scream “Freedom!” bursting out of his pants. As fate would have it though, Rambo terminated him “silently” from behind depriving me of this guilty, albeit highly unlikely, pleasure. After that sequence of pure bliss, a few scenes followed where Rambo killed off a couple of guys gutting them (I guess he had a lot of practise gutting fish and he took it to the next level, go figure…), he shouted lazily at the now saved blonde “Run! You can make it”, he sprinted for a whole 2 metres without collapsing from exhaustion (better than I can manage I am sure, lol) and he shot an explosive arrow at some poor bastard who just happened to pass by (either the local postman or a guy killed for the 100th time in this movie, they all look the same blown up you know, lol). All of a sudden the Rambo 4 trailer was nearing completion with Stallone walking by the screen, lazily looking in disbelief around him, bewildered at the whole affair(or maybe he was just trembling under the weight of the impending hefty payday at the box office who knows...). In that final glorious shot, he seemed more keen to devour a couple of cheeseburgers with fries and coke than to embark on a killing spree (I guess it is his version of “method acting”, lol). Then the words “John Rambo” flashed on the screen and the trailer ended, giving my brain synapses a much needed break…

"Ok, I officially peed my pants now...
I mean to make 4 movies out of THIS GUY,
is bloody unstoppable alright"

I wonder what if Stallone met Rambo instead, one short conversation there, first the gutting then the"

Throughout most of this surreal viewing experience I was either gently smiling or laughing out loud. I am not going to watch this movie in the theatres, I don’t see the point, but boy am I going to rent/buy the DVD and view it repeatedly in instants of boredom, sadness or self-existential crisis. Yep, all credit to you Stallone, you got to me at the end, maybe not in the way you anticipated (action movie) but with a “healthy?” side effect (comedy gold) of what you actually aimed for. ”John Rambo” seems like a b-movie gem dressed up in blockbuster clothes and is destined for b-movie heaven as so many movies before it… it is so bad it’s good… just wait and see…

"Never truer words have been spoken...roll on John Rambo!"

Now that my rant is finished I can thank you all once again for joining the fun!

Till next time, ta da!

p.s. Got to share this link of Rambo madness before it self destructs, go for it at your own risk:


nick said...

aw crap, I had high hopes for this one... ok that's exactly what I expected.

Deadpoolite said...

Let's face it we wouldnt have it any other

Nick said...

oh yeah I'll still see it. I just watched the trailer over at youtube... that's a lot of blood I'll tell you what.

Deadpoolite said...

The most over the top thing was that he stealth killed a guy with a knife (that means he wanted to be silent and deadly or whatever right...) and then he jumps onto the machine gun equipped jeep and he shoots the other guy in the passenger seat! I rest my case...I mean what was the fucking Full points for comedy gold though...this movie cant come soon

Zhu said...

I watched the trailer as I read your posts and I almost died. How can he talk so slow ? How can he looks like his muscles are gonna explode anytime ? How can the whole stuff be so.. so... cheesy ?

I almost wanna watch it now !

On second thought... I feel really bad driving to the nearest Blockbuster just to rent it. I need an alibi. My guy. No. He's watching hockey, not a chance. Fuck. Fuck. I badly need this movie, NOW !

I hate Monday, nothing is right.

ComicGeek said...

John Rambo is a pussy.

Need proof? At 2:42 of that clip... HE FLINCHES!!! How the fuck can you be the baddest SOB ever and FLINCH! You can't! He may have been a badass all those years ago, but now that he is 78 years old (true story!) he flinch at the slightest hint of an explosion. hell he probably wet his Depends in that scene too.

Seriously though, the only reason why he has to do these movies is he didn't learn how to talk and act like all he other action heroes. People like Arnol.. uhhh Bruce Wil... nevermind, I don't know what point I was trying to make there.

I'll go see this, bt not as an action movie, but purely as a comedy.

Deadpoolite said...

@zhu Oh come one Zhu it is so easy to lure your other half to watch this masterpiece. Since I am a guy I' ll give you some pointers.

Oversized muscles, explosions, mass killing, explosions, rambo constipation, explosions, big fucking guns, explosions (wait a minute I think I mentioned "explosions" already,lol).

Hey if your guy isnt testosterone overdosing by the end of the movie I would be worried. Plus, he is going to exercise those long dormant biceps with the great belly laughs he 'll have during the viewing of this masterpiece.

So, you see, Rambo 4 (John Rambo) is like hockey then with gutting instead of sliding,lol.

@comicgeek I think when he flinches he just saw himself on the mirror and thought "WoW! What the fuck...". Maybe he just passed gas at the time and he wasnt ready for it (which old man is...). Hell, he could be trying to remember his two lines of dialogue among the posturing and macho madness.

Give the man an Oscar I say, this is THE underrated (to the point of invisible) performance of the year,lol!

Zhu said...

I really can't get my guy to watch this movie. You don't understand. NOBODY DOES !


The fact is, is we watch it, he's gonna feel like Rambo all week, doing push ups and mocking the accent and the lines.

I don't think I can take it.

Deadpoolite said...

So what you are saying(about your boyfriend) is he'll obsess over Rambo's biceps and start doing push ups all week long while laughing at the absurdity of it all.

As long as he doesnt ask you to personally gut the fish in the kitchen with his replica Rambo knife or go fishing with explosive arrows, you can safely assume it is just a temporary phase he is going through.

I wouldnt buy the eventual Ultimate Rambo Boxset with all the movies if I were you though, lol!

Nick said...

Zhu, that's true with any guy, and any sly stone movie... any action movie for hat matter. When I first saw the Matrix I REALLY WAS NEO for the week.

Deadpoolite said...

Hey "Neo", I only have one question for you:

What the hell was the Architect talking about?

I guess you skipped that part in your little Neo fantasy world, didnt ya now (I wouldnt expect any less from you, you are da man!)

You know I can just imagine the eventual Rambo action figures on the the button and he says: "When you are pushed, killing is as easy as breathing...".

Nice one Sly, let the youth of this world kickstart their lives with the above words of wisdom embedded in their tiny brains. What an ideal gift for a!

I can only imagine if a kid pushes another kid in the will be Rambo 5 mayhem after that I am sure of it...

And with that positive social commentary for all parents, I once again depart for...for...oh ok for lunch...heh.

Nick said...

I'd get my kid that toy! :)

Zhu said...

Neo and Deadpoolite,

I don't care whether every guy does it, I'm not gonna live with a temporary Rocky Balboa for the next three weeks !:D The NHL playoffs aren't even finished yet... he's still a hockey player...

I mean, grow up guys ! Do I behave like a slutty woman everytime I see Basic Instinct or other 90' movies ?

What, he probably wish I would ??? :D

Deadpoolite said...

Hey, dont shoot the messenger dont shoot the messenger Zhu! I know it says so in the merc survival handbook somewhere:)

I am fine with your Basic Instict addiction thing...(fine live in denial then,lol)

Now, now, no reason to grow up I'd look hideous in a suit with this spandex outfit underneath. Which reminds me, cleaning it up is long overdue...geez....deodorant gods assist me at once!

I'll tell you what I promise I'll go to therapy if a Deadpool movie is ever out (good luck with that one...heh). Cant promise I'll be cured though, cant afford it,lol!

Lastly, I noticed in a previous comment you said "How can he talk so slow ? How can he looks like his muscles are gonna explode anytime ? How can the whole stuff be so.. so... cheesy ?"

All I have to say is this "Talking slow is his superpower, he talks his enemies to sleep or to death(beats gutting them I bet,lol).He always has his trusty "Rambo pump" next to him to keep those muscles bulky and shiny. This stuff is cheesy because we live in 2007 and this guy is a relic of the 80s, albeit a really funny one, just check out that mullet!".

Class dismissed!

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