Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Beware innocent movie goers, John (C)Ra(p)mbo is back!!!

Rambo being stealthy(truth be told, he seems more smelly than stealthy to me...). Okaaayyy... I am sold, NOT!!! :).

It wasn't too long ago that the movie "John Rambo" (a.k.a. Rambo 4) came to my attention and I gave it the "royal" treatment in this past post of mine. As soon as I had watched that trailer I knew that a new benchmark for uber cheesiness coupled with atrocious lameness would be set with this movie. Let's not forget that this is no b-movie in budget, so it has no excuses for being... well... the brainless monster of a movie that it is:). Yet, the male 'sentimentalist' in me prevailed (let's face it guns and boys go as much together as fish and feta cheese.... wait a minute fish and feta cheese don't go well oh well what can you do...heh).

I had to see this movie just to have an opinion on it. Let me rephrase that, I had to watch this movie just to be able to present my impressions of it in this blog. Oh the hell with it...let's be absolutely honest here... I had to see this motion picture so I could tear it apart 'limb by limb' and feel good about it. Yep, that is more like it... I was as biased as they come, I knew it was going to be a relic of the 80s with richer special effects and no consideration for political correctness. I knew that John Rambo would be once more a one man army that could annihilate hordes of foes by sheer breathing on them. And guess what, I didn't care at the absurdity of it all:). But enough of my past "expectations"! Time to unleash upon you the hard, cold, truth about this movie regardless of the readership casualties that such a task will certainly evoke. I am ready to pay the price for my insolence (aren't I always? LOL).

Heavy spoilers coming up!!! Not as heavy as Stallone's inflated muscles and definitely not as heavy as his massacring machine gun barrage against every poor extra in the film but still pretty heavy, LOL!!!

So as I comfortably positioned my punk Mercy ass on the movie theatre's seat, I knew I had already experienced the best part of the movie. A pack of warm pop corn in one hand and a diet coke on the other I was in movie land heaven and that was enough. As the main feature kicked in, I knew this heavenly feeling of enjoyment wouldn't last... We were treated to a barrage of crappily edited montage of war images and tortured victims since, guess what, the movie had to establish that the bad guys of the movie were ... well... BAD. Then, a severely constipated Stallone appeared on screen chasing snakes in the jungle. Truth be told he didn't really do much apart from waving his hands and other people grabbing the snake or the other way around (the problem was if he bent over his T-shirt would probably erupt since he was bloated as hell, especially his torso...).

Regardless, after being treated to some montage of Stallone literally sleep walking through the scenery and some more bad guy stuff (to establish that everything Rambo would do to them later on was justified...), a pack of missionaries came into the fold. Rambo told them not to go to the war zone and -surprise, surprise- they went, because otherwise Rambo would have to keep chasing snakes for the rest of the movie and that would be, not so "Rambo-ish" I suppose...The funny thing was that one of the missionaries said : "I've been making this trip for the past decade and I am aware of all the dangers...". As soon as they set foot on their destination, the missionaries were captured (I guess all that decade long experience of travelling to the place paid out really well for the leader of the expedition, LOL).

He is gonna blow!!! And you know it:).

Up to that point Stallone was heavily sedated (wait a minute he is always like that, it is called 'method (bs)acting' I am told...LOL). The pastor that sent the expedition to this suicide mission hired mercenaries to recover the captured missionaries (let's face it, probably all pastors in the Rambo universe have mercenaries on speed dial right next to the pizza delivery numbers...) . Rambo tagged along with the useless mercenaries for 3 apparent reasons: 1)He liked the only woman in the expedition probably because she didn't faint from the stench oozing from his armpits, 2) Butchering bad guys does better box office than chasing snakes, 3) More shooting means less talking and that is always preferable for Stallone and every action hero ever depicted on film.

The Mercenaries although totally useless and clueless about every aspect of their mission ditched Rambo as being, well, a bit gay and sleepy eyed. Moments later, he used his trusty bow for something other than fishing (yes, fishing...) and in no time he was leading them! I suppose using one of his patented 'malarchy infused speeches' about warriors being warriors and not plumbers or something ( and certainly not snake eaters, snake tamers, snake molesters and anything snake related I assume) did the trick. In the meantime, the bad guys were doing bad things over at the camp like ravaging everything that moved and looking menacing in their gay getups. Surprisingly, although in ' extremely horny overload mode' they didn't even think of touching the only WHITE BLONDE WOMAN in the premises. But then again this is a Rambo movie and they were only going to attempt such a feat only secs before the main man, the big cheese, the dude, his majesty, John Rambo himself would be seconds away from tearing their throats apart. How convenient...:)

'Us' action heroes have all the same priorities more or less it seems... It is what keeps us going:). Technically, I am an 'action looney' extraordinaire but beggars can't be choosers, LOL!!!

After the ridiculously edited rescue mission and a courageous sprint of a 'steroids dripping' Stallone through the jungle that resulted in a ridiculously big explosion, the movie entered its final act. Miraculously the Mercenaries were captured instantly by their pursuers although in the previous scene they were armed and dangerous but who cares if they were trained professionals... Noone is as trained as Rambo, except from Chuck Norris who can pretty much level mountains with a single kick as we all know... So when all seemed lost, who saved the day? But Rambo of course...

This is where the movie became an all out videogame with Stallone mounting a machine gun attached on a jeep and massacring every single living being on screen, except, of course, from his allies (because as we all know Rambo never misses a shot and if he does then Chuck Norris will probably stop the bullet in mid flight with his bare hands so no worries , LOL).So despite Rambo being stationary, on a jeep, with every enemy knowing his position, he managed to butcher every one in sight keeping at it for around 20 mins with his ass literally 'embedded' on the jeep(it is a known fact that enemy bullets 'respect' Rambo so much that they never make impact, so no surprises there...). If memory serves a single bullet hit Rambo but by the looks of it, a mosquito bite would be much more lethal and bloody since 'the mulleted fool with a red headband twist' didn't even blink. After lazily finishing off the last bunch of pointlessly standing enemies that happily positioned themselves in his line of fire, Rambo dismounted from the jeep (or slipped and fell from it, the verdict is still out on that one...), just in time to gut the leader of the bad guys who conveniently passed by right next to where Rambo was (I like punctuality in a bad guy, I really do, when all he does is land gracefully on the hero's knife,it is just so 'realistic'...). Now that Rambo had used his trusty knife for something else than spreading peanut butter on bread and all Rambo cliches in the list had been done to death, a Stallone at the verge of a stroke smirked like 'a bloated balloon on crack' before leaving the scene, presumably scratching his ass in the process but that is still open to debate. As for the movie finale, let's just say that "Rambo 5 : Brokeback stoner" is not too unrealistic an option :).

The admiration of Rambo's enemies towards his superb marksmanship skills knew no bounds... The only problem was, that they had no limbs attached to shake his hand and no heads attached to ask for an autograph...:)

Having concluded this onslaught of a movie review of 'John Rambo' or 'Rambo 4' or "the action movie that Stallone managed to complete without bursting from steroids" I have only one question in mind... When is Rambo 5 coming out? LOL!!!

Hope you cracked a smile or two!

Till next time, take care all!


joen05 said...

Haha... I don't think there will be a part 5. I avoided this one... sorry you had to sit through it?

Good review though.

Jay Cam said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jay Cam said...

wow those missionairies are freaking dumb. i didn't read the rest because i don't want to see more spoilers!!

but it's obvious that stallone is gettting old and senile now. when the next rambo comes out he's going to be 95 and in a wheelchair or possibly dead

Zhu said...

Are you preparing for your soldier days? :D John Deapoolite, did you learn some good move in the movie? Do you work iron before going to the batterfield? :D

Okay, okay...

I actually went to see the movie (not MY idea as you can guess, otherwise I'd be the perfect woman... wait, I am, because I tagged along!). I had fun. I'm not ashamed to say it.

Except for the fact the only line is: "go home" for the first 20 min. the action is good. Graphic though!

And part 5... er... maybe not!

MandyPoo said...

lol, so you liked it then, right?

siryn said...

Thank god you went without me!

siryn said...

to see the movie I mean!
Oh, I'm so damn lucky, lol!
I couldn't bare it, for sure!

whatagem said...

Stallone looks constipated

Deadpoolite said...


Oh well, "survived" it is the verb you are looking for:). But in all honesty these movies are such guilty pleasures, they are so bad they are "good" in their own unique way:).

The last action piece was surreal to say the least, LOL!

@jay cam

I second the wheelchair argument:). In Rambo 5, HE is going to deliver justice once again popping steroid pills as he walks just like I eat M and Ms, I kid you not:). He is probably going to blow as well, literally this time:).


I think Stallone starts the movie bored, proceeds bored and finishes off too bored for words:). They should probably put his picture next to the word 'bored' in every dictionary from now on:). Still a guilty "relic-y" pleasure this movie I am not rewatching it though:).

The only lesson I learned was the reason I watched the movie to begin with: "When you are pushed, killing is as easy as breathing...". It is just ridiculous the way he says it while fighting off his severe constipation at the same time:).


If you value severe headache as an exhilarating 'after movie' symptom then I loved it:).

It was good mindless fun as it was intended to be in the first place:).


Yep, you got enough military related stuff in your lap this year that taking you to a movie about it would be just nasty:).

Good call beautiful!


Trust me when I say this... he is!!!


Calista*Was*Here said...

You didn't say a word about Stallone's good intentions:)
I saw him on TV explaining that he wanted to make 'noble cause' movie, so he asked around in which country people had no human rights.

Somebody told him - Burma.

Since Vietnam is no longer issue, all those snakes and jungle that require special Rambo skills have to fit in, somehow.

Sorry if I hurt your feelings, but reading your critique, DP, you totally lack and misunderstand Mr. Stallone's good intentions!

Shame on you, hahaha...

Anonymous said...

You forgot Andrew Jackson’s Big Block of Cheese with nary a macaroni in sight.