Friday, 11 September 2009

"Gamer" : A movie worthy of the GAME OVER screen...



Today, I went to watch the movie "Gamer" in the local multiplex... Oh, what a grave mistake that was... It all started innocently enough when a friend of us ("us" as in the killer combo of DP and woman crazy enough to love DP) called and told us that he was going to watch the movie "Gamer". My gal proposed to join him and although I was aware of the atrocity against the silver screen that I was going to witness I consented. The premise behind this disaster of a film should have supposedly been cool for the videogaming crowd among which I cheerfully place myself (oh, what a badge of honour for the "gamepad challenged ones", to have me among their high scoring ranks indeed..).


I wish this post was about a fun game and not a crap movie but beggars can't be choosers:) . Still, "PRESS START", you know you want do (why is that, is beyond me though, LOL!)

The basic story was that, in the not so distant future, sexless losers control other people sentenced to death row, in a multiplayer on-line game called "Slayers". As, you can judge from the title of the game, it isn't about psychotic death penaltying geezers exchanging cookie recipes or kniting designs but about on-line fighters blowing eachother to bits in the hope that they are going to be released from prison one day. And so the movie began with such nauseating editing it made the Bourne Supremacy directing look like Wall-E. I honestly had a headache by the end of the first half hour (and let's not talk about my urge to go "Splosion man overload" on whoever contributed in creating this crap). Don't get me wrong, big explosions, meat grinded exploding fools and guns lots of guns are cool when done right, but this mess of direction was like a bad trip on hallucinating drugs (and no I don't mean peanut infused M and Ms although, strangely enough, they do have the same effect on me...).


Ah!!! Constipated Gerard mode in action... Hey man, you didn't blow up everything, missed a spot... or a career in the making who knows... Nah, you will bounce back, this isn't "game over" for you yet( couldn't resist the crappy pun though, sorry, heh).

The movie consisted of actors that wrote 'easy paycheck' on their foreheads with Gerard Butler in particular looking baffled and confused as what on earth he was doing in this flick to begin with. Ah, there were so many memorable moments of poor taste in this vomit inducing celluloid "gem" that I will only provide a couple of examples here (after all I want my readers dangerously entertained.but not uttetly lobotomized): Example number 1: A sweaty half naked uber-fat guy was controlling a babe on-line and another guy was controlling a virtual sex maniac wearing latex...And those two virtual breathing avatars were about to get it on in what must be the most ridiculously camp scene ever
.

Then, Gerard Butler entered into the room and broke the sex maniac in half... Smooth Gerard, real smooth... Basically, most of the movie was about this actor breaking other people in half, or shooting them to bits, or (example number 2) taking a leak and vomiting into an ethanol propelled car to fill its reservoir... Oh yes, who needs alternative power sources when you can take a piss, after downing a bottle of vodka, and apparently make a hybrid car move... By that point, the whole audience was either out with the torches and the pitchforks OR plain numb from disbelief at what it had just witnessed. Did I mention that the bad guy, (the looney one out of the Dexter TV series) welcomed the 'hero' of the flick in his mansion, singing and dancing to the "I got you under my skin" song... I mean LOL... and extra LOL and hyper LOL with sugar on top or what!!!

When this is the best scene in the movie, you know you are in the wrong movie... OR maybe the best movie ever made... (incoming slipper from girlfriend, time to dodge, damn that woman has good aim, perfect headshot...ouch!).


I am sure the wacko who made this movie had a lot of money to spare, wanted to pass some sort of weirdo message about on-line communities and how dangerous new technologies can become if not handled right, or had just 'puffed the red dragon' a tad too much. I mean let's face it, naked women tits were flying left and right simply because the 'gamers' of the world are apparently sex crazed individuals lacking the real deal and praying to the gods of youporn, for some Megan Fox lookalike to break into their rooms and f... their brains out. In retrospect, I'd rather had watched "The Running Man" with the "Governator" in the lead role ,once again ,which had convicts in yellow tracksuits trying to survive the killers of a TV show (which sounds equally ridiculous but who cares, I am fighting a lost cause here, LOL!). Ah, the classics folks, don't mess with the classics... Oh well, at least I got a "healthy" portion of nachos with melted cheese into my dieting stomach and felt a lot better about the echoes of my departed cash shouting "SUCKER!" from the distance...


Ah, Arnold, you were half decent back then... and then you got elected:)

Till next time, take care all!


8 comments:

jinjir minjir said...

You are getting old, as we've already established. So, there's no point trying to feel younger with cheap tricks like watching Gamer and Wolverine and what have you.

Stick to documentaries and political debates from now on.

Sol (Frederick) Badguy said...

Does it always happen that when you rant about a movie that sucks you have to say the word 'constipated'?

Looks like it is true, the movie makers just do movie about any subject they can think of (Maybe next they're going to do a movie about the life of cows)

I don't like movies of this kind, a guy in some distant future blah blah, with death sentence blah blah blah...(TO INFINITY..& BEYOND)

Just to use the ability of free typing in commenting on blog entries: "I saw the Wolverine movie, it is a good movie in general. THEY INSULTED THE MAIN REASON I WANTED TO SEE THE MOVIE, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Have a nice day ladies & Gents (why always ladies before gents? I don't believe in ladies first)

Zhu said...

Amen!

Went to see the movie and didn't like it much. I mean, it wasn't as bad as I had feared in the first 20 minutes, but still not great.

I feel this has already been done basically.

Calista*Was*Here said...

It's redundant to say I am not tempted to watch this movie, but I'll say it anyway;

"I am not going to watch it!"

Trained mind tries to find some message in a steamy puddle of puke, but it is just ugly distraction.

I can ironically conclude that pop culture is doomed, although we are avid consumers...
Being numb or lost is destiny that fortune teller wouldn't tell you even if you paid through the nose.

Clicking on or off button was never much of a skill.
And if it is a game, then it is as real as much we let it to affect us.

Wish you plenty of fresh air, clean water and love that binds all:)

Cheers!

Deadpoolite said...

@jinjir minjir

Close your eyes for a second... Then think of an individual that grew up with Marvel Comics, videogames and the usual inspired loving folly of the average greek family. Then think some more and see that individual spending 5+ years in the ridiculously fallen UK Empire and being subjected to their characteristically "blackish" dry brand of humour. Now open your eyes, welcome to my blog:).

Documentaries got old and political debates don't go well with my Mediterranean complexion so I will stick to the madness of C-rate US pop culture thank you very much:). At least they don't get themselves too seriously.

@Sol

I guess the 'constipated' notion comes from the vibes of fulfilment I receive everytime I watch a movie that fails to deliver:). It is a commonly known fact that Hollywood has ran out of fresh ideas like a century ago. Strangely enough the concept of the movie had potential to be more allegoric and interesting but then they starting shooting it and it all went downhill from there.

As for the ladies before gents comment, it is all a big conspiracy I am telling you.Resist:).

@Zhu

It was crap, as simple as that. No stereotype about gamers was left untouched mind you:). Still, a post came out of it for me so I might as well thank the creators of the movie for fuelling my sarcastic wrath once more:). Now only if I could get a refund on those nachos with cheese...:).

@Calista

"Wish you plenty of fresh air, clean water and love that binds all:)"

Amen to that girl!

When throughout the movie you are looking for the pause button on your control pad you know it sucks:). Oh well, at least it wasn't MY IDEA to go watch it, so I can verbally abuse the poor sap who suggested it to me all I want (
wait a minute... I already did!!!LOL!!!)

Take care people!

Shan said...

Eh.

How was the army experience?

I wanna hear more about that you wacko :)

Aaron Patterson said...

dude...wtf? u have horrible judgment, i cant believe u would say such things. go die u ass wipe, people put a lot of time and money into this movie and u like to knock it down. wow

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