Friday, 5 October 2007

C.S.I. DP and the mystery of the weird escalator... (Part 1 of 3)


(This story is totally fictional and was inspired by an actual escalator that exists in my town and has no apparent reason of existence. This only came to my attention a couple of weeks ago. More on that on Part 2)

It was another morning massacred by annoying alarm clocks in the town of Lamia, Greece. I woke up early (DP P.I. at your service), opened the blinds and the morning sun burnt my eyes with its ferocity. As I was about to drink some coffee and smoke an invisible cigar(you see Holywood cliches demand I do so, although I am a non-smoker, LOL) to get some sort of perspective on the day that was unfolding before me, the phone rang. "Who the f...k could it be this early in the morning at 11.oo a.m.?" I groaned with detestation (oh, I am such a hard worker it is unbelievable,lol).


There is nothing better than kickstarting your day with the right mentality... with me... this is the ONLY mentality by default, LOL.

The voice at the other end of the line wasn't a horny Eva Mendes begging me to mate with her as I had hoped, but an uneventful creepy voice right out of "horror movies creepy voices 101" class. The following dialogue ensued between Merc and unknown female voice (drums rolling... since there is no audio take my word for it, LOL):

DP: Hello... Echoooo.....1,2,3....Echooo....

Uneventful Female Voice (UFV) : There is a storm coming your way mortal.... (UFV eh? Sounds like a bloody shampoo constituent doesnt it? LOL)

DP(looking outside the window): Ehhh... nope it is a beautiful day outside... nothing peculiar about it... only a babe coming by my window on the street... it is a hot redhead... I wonder if it is anyone I knew in a past life or one of my female links... hmmm...yammy!

UFV: Look up at the sky... doesnt what you see freeze your blood?

DP(looking bored) : Nope.... looks clear...

UFV : It cant be! Let me try again (clearing throat to sound more ominous)! Look outside your window again! Anything now?

DP (slightly annoyed and properly amused) : Nope still looks clear... Give me something woman, work with me woman, work with me...

UFV: I will never f...g buy batteries from E-Bay ever again! Bloody seller had like 98% positive reviews and I got fricking robbed, I am the 2% goddamit, I am the damn 2% that got f...d up the as...

DP: Watch it lady this is still an NC-17 rated blog, although it is an R-rated blog at heart!

UFV: Ok, I will just send a bloody e-mail... how damn anticlimactic! I mean did I ask for much? Just a damn solid entrance into this blog entry, some ominous lightnings, some dim lighting, but nooo.... nothing works out as planned.... all I get are some dead batteries from godforsaken E-Bay.... Damn! I am always part of the negative stats of the bloody thing... story of my life... oh gods of pointless e-shopping what have I done to deserve this curse of continuous non-successful on-line purchasing!

DP: Just shut up and shut up! Send the damn e-mail and I will gladly end your misery by unleashing all my crap jokes upon you in quick succession!!!

UFV: This is a fate worse than death!!! Please spare me!!! Be merciful and just shoot me!!!

DP: Nah, it wont be messy enough, crap jokes and illussions of grandeur is all you are going to get from me muhahahaha!!! Now send the e-mail before I kickstart the crap joke onslaught...

UFV: Okkkkaaayyy.... (hunging up the phone)


As soon as the phone tone died out I heard the familiar sound of Bruce Campbell's voice saying " Gottcha didnt I you little sucker!" that dictates I got a new e-mail on my inbox. I opened the DP 'uber e-mail account' and it was full of spam mail!!! Looking appropriately bewildered I raised my fists in the air shouting loudly at the great beyond : "For crying out loud, internet gods where art thou? For once I want to log in to my pathetic e-mail account and find the e-mail I want waiting for me like a faithful puppy and not try to find it in a sea of sex pills, sex crazed women, easily obtained University degrees and bloody internet ads! Just for once I want to feel like I got a normal e-mail account and not some travesty of relentless spamming ready to consume me!!! Sigh...".



Superwacky sense of humour or not, there is no superpower on earth to protect one from spam mail... creepy... LOL


As soon as I progressed through the sea of ridiculous malarchy showered upon me I located the e-mail I wanted via my trusty GPS(Global Positioning System) .Yep, THAT much spam... LOL. The e-mail was comprised by the mission objective for the day (hey, those videogame staples will hunt me to my inevitable demise when I eventually burst from excess M and M's consumption I am sure... I mean where else except from videogaming you can say "Mission Objective" and get away with it, LOL). This pointless passage of semi-coherent written english read as follows:

' There has been an incident in Racoon City (always wanted to write that, I am a big Resident Evil fan what can I do, LOL, okay, okay e-mail starts now geez... there is no pleasing some people...). There has been an incident in Lamia City (see how gay that sounds? You only have yourselves to blame dear readers...). An unidentified escalator has suddenly appeared in the uphill street of St Nickolas. It just appeared one day in a shower of light, for no apparent reason and just stands there, silent, ominous, pointless, staring into the great beyond as well as at the church at the top of the stairs. Some say the day of judgement is here, some say that an alien invasion is imminent, others are sure that it is another display of pointlessly wasted public money just to show that something is being given back to the community by local authorities... You have been summoned DP, for all intents and purposes, to investigate the scene of this crime against common sense and basic aesthetics... We have faith in you, us, the forces of supernatural malarchy that are bored out of our minds, so send mortals to pointless errands for our amusement. Basically, we had only one criterion for your choice for this ridiculous mission, you are the only one insane enough to do it and who can spare some time of his life investigating what is essentially a fool's errand....

P.S. Death to E-Bay, bloody batteries still not working! '



Cheesy one liner coming up... beware my dear readers... beware...lol


I deleted the e-mail, took a sip of my coffee, wondered if anyone of my readers has reached this far down this insanity fuelled post and what the longterm effects for their mental health will be... and then uttered in appropriately baffoonish ecstasy one of the cheesiest lines I will ever write in this blog (cover your ears dear readers...) : "DP to the rescue!!!" (Damn this was so cheesy I barely made it out alive, LOL).


I guess there are worse "disguises" out there than the DP outfit, LOL. Peter Sellers rocked by the way
!!!

I wore my DP outfit just to blend in with the crowd (LOL... that was funny... I can just imagine me walking in the streets of Lamia with a Deadpool costume on greeting people left and right... hahahaha, an image of the future perhaps... right before the men in the white robes catch me of course, LOL) and was on my merry way to investigate the sight of the ' weird escalator sighting'... I would solve this mystery even at the expense of the sanity of my readers... I was THAT determined :)


To be continued in part 2...



Take care all and watch out this space for Part 2 (there is a slight chance there will be a third one as well depending on inspiration, but for now this is a two parter so there is a good chance you will escape from my blogging clutches with some sanity intact, LOL)... (UPDATE 8/10/07: Well as you know by now, there is going to be a PART 3 as well, bummer!!! LOL)

DP out!



8 comments:

Zhu said...

I did reach far done, but I have a slight headache now. Oh well. Must be the cookies I've just had (delicuous pecan ones... yummy !).

The first pictures of this insane story makes me think of the stairway to heaven for some reason... "and she gets there she knows, if the stores are all close tatatatadaddad"...

Great, now I'm singing. Bye bye nice weather !

Deadpoolite you're... deadly insane. That's all I can manage to say at 11:27 pm. :D

someGirl said...

Strange escalators, strange stories...These are strange times my friend. :)

I'm not a smoker either, but I'm sure we can share a virtual ciggy:
====~~

;)

whatagem said...

I like cheese. Cheese is good as long as you know it's cheesy...

Jay Cam said...

haha that hilarious!
"horny Eva Mendes begging me to mate with her"
man u have awesome quotes all over!

ever thought of writing a book?

dont worry bout the men in the white robes... when they came for me i got put in a comfy room that had walls made of matresses! how awesome is that?

Deadpoolite said...

@zhu

You are a fighter I know you can take it :)

Essentially I take the piss out of something that is out of place in my home town... in my own unique way:)

You will understand when you read part 2.Now let's have some of those cookies!!!

@somegirl

Yeah life is strange like that:)

I 'll get the virtual cig you 'll get the virtual lighter, are we nuts or what? LOL

@whatagem

Yep I am totally self aware and deliberately fool around (or so I say to myself, lol, maybe I just live in denial)... cheese is good no doubt about it, LOL!

@Jay cam

Well noone can blame me that Deadpool's Laughing Den aint funny in its own unique way:)

I will spare humanity the book ordeal for the time being:)

Calista*Was*Here said...

You know what amazes me the most?!
eBay

Frequency thing. Again.

Cool, DP, cool.

Calista*Was*Here said...

If my previous comment doesn't make sense, don't bother:)

I entertain myself:)

Then I (must) spoil something for others:)

Big GRIN

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