Wednesday, 27 June 2007

Hello group my name is DP and I am a chewing gum addict…

It all started innocently enough… I used to eat chewing gum only when I had exams at the university both at undergraduate and postgraduate level. This was due to a stupid rumour I heard over at one of BBC’s “ highly esteemed” news broadcasts. As they proudly announced in that broadcast:” scientists found out that consumption of chewing gum during exams increases your clarity of thought during that stressful period”. Being a bioscientist myself you would have thought that I wouldn’t believe such a stupid claim but due to either pre-exams anxiety or just plain madness, I rolled with it. Come to think of it, I didn’t do half bad in most of my exams so there could be some truth in this gum related boost theory {nah not really but I got you thinking there for a moment didn’t I, lol}. So here I am few years later chewing gum like a maniac, like there is no tomorrow…It sucks, it really does… and the funniest thing of all is I don’t really have a valid reason for doing it. As I look at the wrappers of “fallen” chewing gums in the trash bin of my bedroom I try to make sense of this absurd situation… In comic book terms you would have expected a big questionmark rising above my head at this very moment…

Where is my chewing gum I wonder? Hey... wait a minute.... this post is not about that, it is about how my chewing gum addiction started. Bummer... I am losing my mind it seems...oh well nothing new there, lol.


As a scientist correlating data is what I am good at, so as I am typing this blog entry I am trying to deduce where it all went wrong….when did this stupid habit begin…when the hell did I start giving chewing champions like goats a run for their money… it is truly absurd. First case scenario that comes to mind is that this habit kicked in when my dad quitted smoking two years ago. He has always been a heavy smoker until a health scare made him pee his proverbial pants just to avoid having the stereotypical chess game with the Grim Reaper sooner than expected. The thing is though, due to the stressful nature of his job he had correlated {oh man, scientific horology kicking in again…boring…lol} smoking with other little habits like drinking coffee or after a stressful moment at work. In order to counteract those “smoking urges” he started stuffing his mouth with countless chewing gums so that it would be always occupied doing something other than smoking. This seems to have done the trick since my dad hasn’t smoked in two years making this DP really proud of him. However, whenever I was in my parent’s place there was always chewing gum lying around and as I am a merc running on impulse on a lot of things I just started doing what came naturally really… chewing.



Grim Reaper : "I almost had DP's dad but then he had to go and start munching chewing gums, quitting smoking in the process. It just aint fair you know, I got to make a living as well! No point whining I suppose, off to the next unlucky chap..."



An alternative scenario would be that I started this obsessive chewing ritual when I began dieting this February {by the way this is going great I have lost twenty-twenty one kilograms so far and feel and look great, heh I am not one for modesty so go with the flow, lol}. As a way to counteract the need for in between meals snacks I started chewing sugar-free gums. It does make sense to some extent and the dieting results show that it hasn’t affected the slimming down process detrimentally but still it is annoying. By now I must have the most trained gums in Greece or even in the Mediterranean so a careier in the circus is not too unrealistic an option (the damn salary will be better at least , I am sure of it, lol). I can almost hear the circus presenter’s announcement of my show “Dear spectators, you ve seen the acrobats, you ‘ve laughed at the clowns, heck you even threw tomatoes at the bloody mimes but nothing has prepared you for what comes next. He is a man like anyone else, at first look, but when he opens his mouth and starts chewing you better be somewhere else. Ladies and gentlemen I present you the one and only Deadpoolite, the fastest chewer of the planet. No material is too sturdy, no matter unchewable for this behemoth of teeth power and speedy munching”.





I thought I had seen it all... but then the chewing gum monster raised its ugly head.... Oh well more chewing for me it seems,lol!


As the above insane image fades away from my brain I am left in desperate need of a chewing gum. “Fight it off” I say to myself, “you are better than this… For fuck’s sake if you are going to have a stupid habit I am sure you can find a bloody one that makes more sense than this brainless mouth stretching” I conclude my verbal self beating. In a moment of weakness, I start looking around me for a bloody gum, not one in sight I finally give up my fool’s errand. “It is a good start I guess…” I conclude, and right after that I start laughing at the absurdity of it all.





I haven't reached this level of chewing gum madness just yet... but I am getting there...



So now, reaching the end of this blog entry I can't believe I made an actual post about something as meaningless as this, lol (but then again there is always tomorrow for a new blogging career low so it's ok I guess...lol) . Truth be told, something happened today that made me realise that my stupid little excess that I described above has gone a bit too far. As I went to a local mini-market to buy some chewing gums, the shop owner asked me (he recognizes me by now, at least appearance wise, after so many repeated visits to his store for this exact purpose...) “Ηοw is it going? Is it working?”. The only way he could justify me buying so much chewing gum was that I was trying to quit smoking you see… I found this both embarrassing and amusing. Subsequently, I mumbled a semi believable excuse and was gone with the wind. As I approached home I said to myself “Fuck this shit…enough is enough”. So yeah, today is my first day “clean” {this sounds more ridiculous than I can bare so I am ending this blog entry and going to shoot myself on pure principle … then again I could chew some gum as a deadman’s last wish… so I'd better not go ahead with this course of action, heh. Don’t go there DP, just don’t, LOL)

Ok then , that is that, hope you cracked a smile or two :)

Till next time, take care!

7 comments:

Giannis said...

You should have mentioned that you were going into your friend's room to grab a single chewing gum, and instead you were getting almost the whole packet haha !

Deadpoolite said...

Hey that is classified information...lol. By the way I know you still havent forgiven me for the excess chewing gum withdrawals I was making from your room back then. Time will heal your wounds eventually (or not) , LOL!

Shan said...

hahaha how true this is!! i remember reading the news once and seeing that japanese scientists finding out some kind of link between chewing gum and increased brain activity. i wasn't sure about your increase of clarity but i guess increased brain activity would also increase clarity. but this is definitely a good habit. i wish i could develop a chewing gum addiction, i kind of chew my fingers a bit and it pisses me off. i need some kind of cure to enable me to distress when thinking lol...

but nice grim reaper picture

Zhu said...

I hate chewing-gum, probably because it was banned in school when I was in France. Plus, it was brought by the Americans after WW2, so bad memories for French.

I never know what to say when people offer me gum : "no, thanks, I don't like it" ? Sounds silly, doesn't it !

Although there's hope for me : I'm a smoker. Maybe one day, I'll be addicted too... :D

Deadpoolite said...

Cant really hear what you are saying Zhu sorry, I am chewing too hard and the noise is loud. Damn this addiction of mine knows no boundaries after all:)

By the way I am chewing as we speak (oh where are my manners...hey wait a minute... I got none....phew... that's a weight off my shoulders right there, LOL)

itelli said...

Ok. But there's some point to it: increased blood circulation. Your head is muscles. When u work them, more oxygen flows into them.

But, wait a sec... U lost 21 kgs and u're still going??? Wow... I stopped at 20 a few years ago, but i still remember the torture. So, I quite admire ur persistence.

Deadpoolite said...

@itelli

A man's got to have hobbies you know hahahahahaha!!!

Keep admiring,lol!