Friday, 29 June 2007

Interviewing the original Deadpool: Running a fool's errand?

For the non-comic book fans: Please don't be put off by the source material, I am sure there is more than enough in there joke wise to make it worth your while. I really enjoyed writing this text and I hope you like it too!

This idea was born from the constant yanking of fellow blogger itelli .You see more often than not he has used the phrase "since this is a comics blog" in his comments. That made me realise that for a blog inspired from the comic book character "Deadpool The Merc with a mouth" there has been almost next to nothing written about comics in it! I like my Marvel Comics a lot and all but this isnt the reason I made this blog, plus there are better people out there like the comic rack guy to talk about the issue of comics (plus I am bored to do it,lol). Still, something was nagging me... (what can I say I am a sucker for a challenge,lol) so I posed this great philosophical question to myself "What is the great mystery behind the hole in donuts, is it of alien origin and does it serve any actual purpose?" (oh damn that is the OTHER big question sorry folks, my bad, heh). As I was saying I asked myself one fine morning "Wouldn't be cool to interview the real Deadpool, as in the Marvel Comics creation, after all this blog was inspired by his wackiness...". I know we are entering into the realm of the supernatural now and not all of you may survive ( it is a risk I am willing to take, lol, how thoughtful of me, heh) but no mere reality issue like the fact that Deadpool is a fictional creation would stop me.

Since you've read this far you still got your head attached to your shoulders... let's keep it that way shall we? lol (yeah I know black humour and all blame it on my 5+ years UK exile, heh)

Shortly after I made up my mind to do an interview with the original Deadpool I realized I didnt have a clue on how to get hold of him. I mean how on earth do you summon someone that exists only in comic books? Since I am not into drugs, I am not particularly into heavy drinking and my subscription to MAD magazine has long expired, I needed an alternative. What better way than to use the weather of my country Greece to my advantage (call me brilliant, call me stupid it is a win - win situation for me either way , LOL). Currently the temperature around this part of the world resides around 41-43 degrees celcius with that becoming 3-4 degrees higher around 2-3 pm. So, I wore my heaviest coat, my gloves, my scarf and my DP fan hat and went outside at 2 pm.... Soon after that I started hallucinating and it was then that the great wacky clown with a mouth, that is Deadpool, visited my conciousness in a vision. For the sake of the interview I ' ll use my real name, Christos, while Deadpool will be simply DP (how original... I kill myself with these original ideas sometimes,lol). Ok then, let the interviewing begin:

Christos (C) : Oh, mighty DP welcome to my humble brain space.
DP : It is not particularly spacey in here, not a whole lot of grey matter in here is there?
C: Well, if I had any sense at all I wouldnt make a blog inspired by you I would have chosen someone like Opra maybe. Hell, it would have made miracles for my readership numbers and Alexa ranking (who the fuck is Alexa anyway? Just a thought...heh)!
DP : Man's got a point. Don't do it again though because I 'll be forced to shoot you and I never miss, not unless I have constipation and that only happens on Sundays when I eat an excess of Taco bells and other healthy food.
C: Wish granted sir! Now let's get on with the questions before my material self, melts from the excess heat.
DP : Well, I couldnt care less if you were ejected to outer space...hey can I take your comics collection if you do, I mean it would be a shame to leave so much toilet paper lying around to waste!
C: Sure thing! Now let's start already. Currently you dont even have a solo comic book title instead you are sharing a comic book with a C-list , X-man, called Cable. How do you feel about that?
DP: Tricky one... I know for sure I am not gay but I am open to experimentation!
C: I didnt ask how you feel about Cable! I asked how do you find this shared comic book starring experience.

Deadpool versus Cable the final showdown... at the end of it only one will have a comic book title to star in. No competition really, as soon as DP opens his mouth and starts spreading insanity Cable is a goner. Good riddance, I say!

Look, you blogging imbecile! I already complained to the editor in chief of the comic book but he told me to piss off. Do you know of any Cable fans out there, I havent heard of a single one... and an Altzheimer's victim that claimed he was a fan of Cable is not with us anymore... I offed him on pure principle (besides he was buying Striperella instead of our mag so it was more of a mercy kill really, lol)
C: You know, a thing I really like about you is that you are self aware...
DP : Yeah I know, I touch myself a lot and in all the inappropriate body areas I might add, heck a Merc has to have hobbies you know...
C: EW! That is not what I meant! I mean you are aware that you are a comic book creation, you tend to talk to readers from time to time or make comments on your writers' / artists' decisions and tastes. Does it bother you that you are not real? Heroes like SPiderman and co are happy in their ignorance that they live in real life and not as comic book creations.

One of these days he is going to jump out of the page and execute the lead artist and the writer of the comic by dissing "killer" jokes left and right.... just wait and you' ll see...

What the fuck are you talking about , I love it! I wear ridiculously itchy spandex outfits that real people only dream of when they visit sex shops (kinky!). All women in comics have the tightest outfits ever and 0% cellulite, if only the stupid comics' code wasnt in place I would stop shooting and start fuc.... relentlessly!!! Plus, I can do ridiculous stunts without getting all cuddly with the Grim Reaper after a missed jump. What is not to like.... I can eat as much as I want and I dont get an ounce of fat, plus I got my own action figure and I star in videogames as it is good to be me!
C: Okay, okay we got it... you are perfection personificated but surely there must be something you'd like to do or have and hasnt come to fruition just yet... Come on give me something remotely negative! I am one step from blowing my brains out comparing your perfect fantasy world with my complicated and flawed existence in the real world...
DP: Well there is this one thing...
C: Out with it you fool!
DP: (Smiling cheekily behind his mask) I 'd like my own real action movie with cool special effects and all. Heck I ' ll settle for a trilogy to begin with.
C: (Laughing) Dude you are so full of BS, you are like a bottom feeder in the popularity stakes. With so many heroes lying around why the f.... would they choose to make a movie about you?

Since he is not on the A-list of Marvel Comics characters the company provided him with an -ahem- suitable mean of transport he, he.

If they made an Electra movie anything is possible...
C: But that movie was made just to put Jennifer Garner in an uber tight sexy outfit!
DP : Is that all there is to it? No problem then, I look good in a thong as well.... let me show you...
C: NOOOO!!! I believe you DP, spare me the horror! Why is your movie stalling anyway?
DP: They cant find anyone ugly enough to play me... oh wait a minute there is always that on-going rumour about Ryan Reynolds.... but we cant rely on him for the time being...
C: Why not?
DP: He has to take his head out of his ass at the moment.... he is so ashamed of the movies he has made starting with Blade Trinity that he can only manage it with a surgical procedure. It aint cheap from what I heard... Although, I can always deliver him my extra special vaseline infused "head extraction from butt" move and be done with it...
C: Sounds painful....
DP: Not as painful as some of the Chris Tucker movies still out on DVD...
C: True. Nothing is as painful as that. Well best of luck with that DP!

This space was originally intended to be occupied by a Chris Tucker picture but on second thought I do value your wellfare really highly my dear readers (what a little suck up I am , lol). Therefore, I opted for a warning sign instead... just keep reading and do not stare at it for too long... Chris T. maybe lurking behind it (or even worse his voice, lol...)

Luck is for the absolutely unlucky, I am simply luck-challenged...
C: That doesnt make any sense whatsoever!
DP: (Sticking gun up my nostrils) You were saying....
C: That makes perfect sense DP.... you are da man!

What can I say, the man knows how to make a case and persuade someone with convincing arguments. Yep, that is the DP I love, a bonafide diplomat...LOL!

(Bemused he retracts the gun and stuffs a bunch of M and M's in my mouth..) Here is a treat for ya, by the way they are coated with Arsenic they are my favourite flavour!
C: (Spitting the M and M's out....) Yeah, one more thing DP. How do you find this blog? It is inspired by your wackiness and tongue in cheek sense of humour. Tell me man, the suspense is killing me (not really,lol)
DP: It sucks....
C: Wtf? Why ?
DP: Not all is at foul. I mean I like your fancy header, I like the people who comment on it, heck I even like the little poem under the name of the blog, but it is a fact of the blogosphere that your blog royally sucks.
C: (Starting to write my will...) Come on what is that bad about it? I think it is ok, at least...
DP: You are not wacky enough boy! Wackiness is a fine art you know (much like hullahooping and yo yo mastery...) One I have managed to perfect in one main comic book series plus the numerous spinoffs throughout the years. You on the other side...
C: (Starting tying a noose around my head...) What about me oh wackiness god? How do I rate in the wackiness scale?
DP: I have my own scale for that it starts with "Actually serious... too damn boring" and ends with "Wacky as a hoot, one step from the asylum". At the moment you are at the "as funny as Woody Woodpecker".
C: But he was kind of funny (ok more weird than funny but
DP: He was absolutely and utterly sh.....t. If there was a series of Woody Woodepecker in 2007 he would be facing the death penalty just for principles sake! Him and damn Droopy the dog....
C: (Ready to say, goodbye cruel world and hang myself..) So is there redemption for me yet oh mighty jer.... I mean DP?

Let's face it, he is no genius and I am not far behind either, LOL!

Weeeellll.... I would have let you take your worthless life but then there are no other decent blogs around spreading my craziness to the world. Plus, you got to love the TCRA powered header/banner, it rocks! Let's just say I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now... after all you 've only published like 20+ blog entries so there might still be a place for you in the kingdom of nutters ... if you improve of course...
C: (Relieved...) Ok DP thanks for the interview! I would have asked you other insightful questions like "how do you pee in an emergency situation since your outfit doesnt have a zipper?" but this blog entry is getting too long already plus the heat is unbearable...
DP: No problem, my young wacky apprentice. Here is my card by the way.
C: What for?
DP: In case you need someone to wack you and end your miserable blogging existence. I'll do it for 50% of the regular fee plus I 'll even stick a trademark DP lollypop up your ass with the phrase "In DP we trust...not!" for free!
C:Ok, dude, bugger off back to the pages of your godforsaken comic book co-existence with that zen loser Cable...
DP: Don't remind me... and you know what the worst part of it is, I cant wack him before issue 100, it states it in my contract. Motherf.... lawyers, they screwed me royally again!
C: That is what happens when you try to pay them with Doritos instead of real money.
DP: Guess so... oh well I am off, my agent will send you the bill for this interview and I dont come cheap...heh
C: ........

As I was transferred into a cool room and gradually regained my conciousness, I smiled with glee in the thought that the interview with DP had already made my blog a lot wackier than before. What do I mean you say? Oh for crying out loud, you just read this blog entry didnt ya, LOL.

A moment of introspection... if only it had happened sooner maybe there would be salvation at hand after all...

P.S.1 From the next blog entry I am reverting back to Deadpoolite (DP) status, mask on, gloves off... blogging just got a whole lot more interesting (or absurd it is a matter of taste after all, LOL)

P.S. 2 Thank you for reading this far since this is a long piece of text and I am well aware of it. I think it is quite funny as well and I thoroughly enjoyed writing it. The characterization of Deadpool is as spot on as I can manage... and yes, he is that nuts, lol!

Till next time, take care all of you!


Zhu said...

You're hilarious man. :D Not sure if it's because you got wayyy to much sun over there in Greece or whether it's because of the chemical stuffs you inhale at work (come on... a bioscientist must indulge sometimes !).

Not sure this comment sounds witty or funny or anything cause 1) it's Friday 2) I realized I needed more than 5 hours of sleep at night to be efficient the next day, so I'd better sleep.

Shan said...

lol, your ability to write and draw is quite surprising and shocking.

Deadpoolite said...


Glad I made you laugh! Heat has subsided in the past couple of days in Greece back to normal levels so it is all good now...phew that was close, lol!


I wish I was that talented in All the comic strips are from the talented people who have written and drawn Deadpool comics over the years plus a couple of fan art things I dag around the web:)

As for the text, it is all 100% macho madness courtesy of the Merc with a mouth... that would be me then:)

Deadpoolite said...

Truth be told even if this was my last ever blog I would have been one happy guy. I thoroughly enjoyed writing it!

Zhu said...

Woo Hoo ! You just won a blog award ! Pick it up on my blog :

A busy blog week-end


Deadpoolite said...

I knew I would go to places hanging out with you, I just knew it.

Dont worry when I reach my peak I wont forget mentioning you and those "invisible" cookies of yours!

Thanks for the thumbs up Zhu!

nick said...

all i have to say is, either you're a genius, or you're completely insane!

I would love to see a DP movie though.

Deadpoolite said...

There is a fine line between the two concepts and I dont know which way to cross... decisions... decisions :)

Glad you liked it!

As far as the movie is concerned Deadpool, as a character, is really a niche audience creation, however if the humour is done right a feature movie could be good.

Shan said...

taaaaaaaaaaggged for 8 things about you!

ComicGeek said...

Wow what can I say? First I ge a shoutout, then I get taken for a ride on the crazy train...

You are one weird guy, but I like the interview, it perfectly matches the strangeness and wackiness I have coe to expect.

Just a tip for everyone:

Don't come here on an empty stomach. Just trust me, and don't even think you are strong enough.

swollenpickles said...

I freakin love deadpool. When are they going to release the original comics as a TPB??

Deadpoolite said...

Deadpool rocks it is a simple fact of life like gravity and the fact that earth rotates around the sun (at least it was last time I checked...)

Welcome to the site, I am kind of "off blogging duty" (a merc's got to rest you at the moment but coming Thursday or around there I have some serious catching up to do.

I will visit your blog around that time so I'll be seeing ya then.

Till next time.... take care!

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