Friday, 29 June 2007

Interviewing the original Deadpool: Running a fool's errand?

For the non-comic book fans: Please don't be put off by the source material, I am sure there is more than enough in there joke wise to make it worth your while. I really enjoyed writing this text and I hope you like it too!

This idea was born from the constant yanking of fellow blogger itelli .You see more often than not he has used the phrase "since this is a comics blog" in his comments. That made me realise that for a blog inspired from the comic book character "Deadpool The Merc with a mouth" there has been almost next to nothing written about comics in it! I like my Marvel Comics a lot and all but this isnt the reason I made this blog, plus there are better people out there like the comic rack guy to talk about the issue of comics (plus I am bored to do it,lol). Still, something was nagging me... (what can I say I am a sucker for a challenge,lol) so I posed this great philosophical question to myself "What is the great mystery behind the hole in donuts, is it of alien origin and does it serve any actual purpose?" (oh damn that is the OTHER big question sorry folks, my bad, heh). As I was saying I asked myself one fine morning "Wouldn't be cool to interview the real Deadpool, as in the Marvel Comics creation, after all this blog was inspired by his wackiness...". I know we are entering into the realm of the supernatural now and not all of you may survive ( it is a risk I am willing to take, lol, how thoughtful of me, heh) but no mere reality issue like the fact that Deadpool is a fictional creation would stop me.

Since you've read this far you still got your head attached to your shoulders... let's keep it that way shall we? lol (yeah I know black humour and all blame it on my 5+ years UK exile, heh)

Shortly after I made up my mind to do an interview with the original Deadpool I realized I didnt have a clue on how to get hold of him. I mean how on earth do you summon someone that exists only in comic books? Since I am not into drugs, I am not particularly into heavy drinking and my subscription to MAD magazine has long expired, I needed an alternative. What better way than to use the weather of my country Greece to my advantage (call me brilliant, call me stupid it is a win - win situation for me either way , LOL). Currently the temperature around this part of the world resides around 41-43 degrees celcius with that becoming 3-4 degrees higher around 2-3 pm. So, I wore my heaviest coat, my gloves, my scarf and my DP fan hat and went outside at 2 pm.... Soon after that I started hallucinating and it was then that the great wacky clown with a mouth, that is Deadpool, visited my conciousness in a vision. For the sake of the interview I ' ll use my real name, Christos, while Deadpool will be simply DP (how original... I kill myself with these original ideas sometimes,lol). Ok then, let the interviewing begin:

Christos (C) : Oh, mighty DP welcome to my humble brain space.
DP : It is not particularly spacey in here, not a whole lot of grey matter in here is there?
C: Well, if I had any sense at all I wouldnt make a blog inspired by you I would have chosen someone like Opra maybe. Hell, it would have made miracles for my readership numbers and Alexa ranking (who the fuck is Alexa anyway? Just a thought...heh)!
DP : Man's got a point. Don't do it again though because I 'll be forced to shoot you and I never miss, not unless I have constipation and that only happens on Sundays when I eat an excess of Taco bells and other healthy food.
C: Wish granted sir! Now let's get on with the questions before my material self, melts from the excess heat.
DP : Well, I couldnt care less if you were ejected to outer space...hey can I take your comics collection if you do, I mean it would be a shame to leave so much toilet paper lying around to waste!
C: Sure thing! Now let's start already. Currently you dont even have a solo comic book title instead you are sharing a comic book with a C-list , X-man, called Cable. How do you feel about that?
DP: Tricky one... I know for sure I am not gay but I am open to experimentation!
C: I didnt ask how you feel about Cable! I asked how do you find this shared comic book starring experience.

Deadpool versus Cable the final showdown... at the end of it only one will have a comic book title to star in. No competition really, as soon as DP opens his mouth and starts spreading insanity Cable is a goner. Good riddance, I say!

Look, you blogging imbecile! I already complained to the editor in chief of the comic book but he told me to piss off. Do you know of any Cable fans out there, I havent heard of a single one... and an Altzheimer's victim that claimed he was a fan of Cable is not with us anymore... I offed him on pure principle (besides he was buying Striperella instead of our mag so it was more of a mercy kill really, lol)
C: You know, a thing I really like about you is that you are self aware...
DP : Yeah I know, I touch myself a lot and in all the inappropriate body areas I might add, heck a Merc has to have hobbies you know...
C: EW! That is not what I meant! I mean you are aware that you are a comic book creation, you tend to talk to readers from time to time or make comments on your writers' / artists' decisions and tastes. Does it bother you that you are not real? Heroes like SPiderman and co are happy in their ignorance that they live in real life and not as comic book creations.

One of these days he is going to jump out of the page and execute the lead artist and the writer of the comic by dissing "killer" jokes left and right.... just wait and you' ll see...

What the fuck are you talking about , I love it! I wear ridiculously itchy spandex outfits that real people only dream of when they visit sex shops (kinky!). All women in comics have the tightest outfits ever and 0% cellulite, if only the stupid comics' code wasnt in place I would stop shooting and start fuc.... relentlessly!!! Plus, I can do ridiculous stunts without getting all cuddly with the Grim Reaper after a missed jump. What is not to like.... I can eat as much as I want and I dont get an ounce of fat, plus I got my own action figure and I star in videogames as it is good to be me!
C: Okay, okay we got it... you are perfection personificated but surely there must be something you'd like to do or have and hasnt come to fruition just yet... Come on give me something remotely negative! I am one step from blowing my brains out comparing your perfect fantasy world with my complicated and flawed existence in the real world...
DP: Well there is this one thing...
C: Out with it you fool!
DP: (Smiling cheekily behind his mask) I 'd like my own real action movie with cool special effects and all. Heck I ' ll settle for a trilogy to begin with.
C: (Laughing) Dude you are so full of BS, you are like a bottom feeder in the popularity stakes. With so many heroes lying around why the f.... would they choose to make a movie about you?

Since he is not on the A-list of Marvel Comics characters the company provided him with an -ahem- suitable mean of transport he, he.

If they made an Electra movie anything is possible...
C: But that movie was made just to put Jennifer Garner in an uber tight sexy outfit!
DP : Is that all there is to it? No problem then, I look good in a thong as well.... let me show you...
C: NOOOO!!! I believe you DP, spare me the horror! Why is your movie stalling anyway?
DP: They cant find anyone ugly enough to play me... oh wait a minute there is always that on-going rumour about Ryan Reynolds.... but we cant rely on him for the time being...
C: Why not?
DP: He has to take his head out of his ass at the moment.... he is so ashamed of the movies he has made starting with Blade Trinity that he can only manage it with a surgical procedure. It aint cheap from what I heard... Although, I can always deliver him my extra special vaseline infused "head extraction from butt" move and be done with it...
C: Sounds painful....
DP: Not as painful as some of the Chris Tucker movies still out on DVD...
C: True. Nothing is as painful as that. Well best of luck with that DP!

This space was originally intended to be occupied by a Chris Tucker picture but on second thought I do value your wellfare really highly my dear readers (what a little suck up I am , lol). Therefore, I opted for a warning sign instead... just keep reading and do not stare at it for too long... Chris T. maybe lurking behind it (or even worse his voice, lol...)

Luck is for the absolutely unlucky, I am simply luck-challenged...
C: That doesnt make any sense whatsoever!
DP: (Sticking gun up my nostrils) You were saying....
C: That makes perfect sense DP.... you are da man!

What can I say, the man knows how to make a case and persuade someone with convincing arguments. Yep, that is the DP I love, a bonafide diplomat...LOL!

(Bemused he retracts the gun and stuffs a bunch of M and M's in my mouth..) Here is a treat for ya, by the way they are coated with Arsenic they are my favourite flavour!
C: (Spitting the M and M's out....) Yeah, one more thing DP. How do you find this blog? It is inspired by your wackiness and tongue in cheek sense of humour. Tell me man, the suspense is killing me (not really,lol)
DP: It sucks....
C: Wtf? Why ?
DP: Not all is at foul. I mean I like your fancy header, I like the people who comment on it, heck I even like the little poem under the name of the blog, but it is a fact of the blogosphere that your blog royally sucks.
C: (Starting to write my will...) Come on what is that bad about it? I think it is ok, at least...
DP: You are not wacky enough boy! Wackiness is a fine art you know (much like hullahooping and yo yo mastery...) One I have managed to perfect in one main comic book series plus the numerous spinoffs throughout the years. You on the other side...
C: (Starting tying a noose around my head...) What about me oh wackiness god? How do I rate in the wackiness scale?
DP: I have my own scale for that it starts with "Actually serious... too damn boring" and ends with "Wacky as a hoot, one step from the asylum". At the moment you are at the "as funny as Woody Woodpecker".
C: But he was kind of funny (ok more weird than funny but
DP: He was absolutely and utterly sh.....t. If there was a series of Woody Woodepecker in 2007 he would be facing the death penalty just for principles sake! Him and damn Droopy the dog....
C: (Ready to say, goodbye cruel world and hang myself..) So is there redemption for me yet oh mighty jer.... I mean DP?

Let's face it, he is no genius and I am not far behind either, LOL!

Weeeellll.... I would have let you take your worthless life but then there are no other decent blogs around spreading my craziness to the world. Plus, you got to love the TCRA powered header/banner, it rocks! Let's just say I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now... after all you 've only published like 20+ blog entries so there might still be a place for you in the kingdom of nutters ... if you improve of course...
C: (Relieved...) Ok DP thanks for the interview! I would have asked you other insightful questions like "how do you pee in an emergency situation since your outfit doesnt have a zipper?" but this blog entry is getting too long already plus the heat is unbearable...
DP: No problem, my young wacky apprentice. Here is my card by the way.
C: What for?
DP: In case you need someone to wack you and end your miserable blogging existence. I'll do it for 50% of the regular fee plus I 'll even stick a trademark DP lollypop up your ass with the phrase "In DP we trust...not!" for free!
C:Ok, dude, bugger off back to the pages of your godforsaken comic book co-existence with that zen loser Cable...
DP: Don't remind me... and you know what the worst part of it is, I cant wack him before issue 100, it states it in my contract. Motherf.... lawyers, they screwed me royally again!
C: That is what happens when you try to pay them with Doritos instead of real money.
DP: Guess so... oh well I am off, my agent will send you the bill for this interview and I dont come cheap...heh
C: ........

As I was transferred into a cool room and gradually regained my conciousness, I smiled with glee in the thought that the interview with DP had already made my blog a lot wackier than before. What do I mean you say? Oh for crying out loud, you just read this blog entry didnt ya, LOL.

A moment of introspection... if only it had happened sooner maybe there would be salvation at hand after all...

P.S.1 From the next blog entry I am reverting back to Deadpoolite (DP) status, mask on, gloves off... blogging just got a whole lot more interesting (or absurd it is a matter of taste after all, LOL)

P.S. 2 Thank you for reading this far since this is a long piece of text and I am well aware of it. I think it is quite funny as well and I thoroughly enjoyed writing it. The characterization of Deadpool is as spot on as I can manage... and yes, he is that nuts, lol!

Till next time, take care all of you!

Wednesday, 27 June 2007

Hello group my name is DP and I am a chewing gum addict…

It all started innocently enough… I used to eat chewing gum only when I had exams at the university both at undergraduate and postgraduate level. This was due to a stupid rumour I heard over at one of BBC’s “ highly esteemed” news broadcasts. As they proudly announced in that broadcast:” scientists found out that consumption of chewing gum during exams increases your clarity of thought during that stressful period”. Being a bioscientist myself you would have thought that I wouldn’t believe such a stupid claim but due to either pre-exams anxiety or just plain madness, I rolled with it. Come to think of it, I didn’t do half bad in most of my exams so there could be some truth in this gum related boost theory {nah not really but I got you thinking there for a moment didn’t I, lol}. So here I am few years later chewing gum like a maniac, like there is no tomorrow…It sucks, it really does… and the funniest thing of all is I don’t really have a valid reason for doing it. As I look at the wrappers of “fallen” chewing gums in the trash bin of my bedroom I try to make sense of this absurd situation… In comic book terms you would have expected a big questionmark rising above my head at this very moment…

Where is my chewing gum I wonder? Hey... wait a minute.... this post is not about that, it is about how my chewing gum addiction started. Bummer... I am losing my mind it seems...oh well nothing new there, lol.

As a scientist correlating data is what I am good at, so as I am typing this blog entry I am trying to deduce where it all went wrong….when did this stupid habit begin…when the hell did I start giving chewing champions like goats a run for their money… it is truly absurd. First case scenario that comes to mind is that this habit kicked in when my dad quitted smoking two years ago. He has always been a heavy smoker until a health scare made him pee his proverbial pants just to avoid having the stereotypical chess game with the Grim Reaper sooner than expected. The thing is though, due to the stressful nature of his job he had correlated {oh man, scientific horology kicking in again…boring…lol} smoking with other little habits like drinking coffee or after a stressful moment at work. In order to counteract those “smoking urges” he started stuffing his mouth with countless chewing gums so that it would be always occupied doing something other than smoking. This seems to have done the trick since my dad hasn’t smoked in two years making this DP really proud of him. However, whenever I was in my parent’s place there was always chewing gum lying around and as I am a merc running on impulse on a lot of things I just started doing what came naturally really… chewing.

Grim Reaper : "I almost had DP's dad but then he had to go and start munching chewing gums, quitting smoking in the process. It just aint fair you know, I got to make a living as well! No point whining I suppose, off to the next unlucky chap..."

An alternative scenario would be that I started this obsessive chewing ritual when I began dieting this February {by the way this is going great I have lost twenty-twenty one kilograms so far and feel and look great, heh I am not one for modesty so go with the flow, lol}. As a way to counteract the need for in between meals snacks I started chewing sugar-free gums. It does make sense to some extent and the dieting results show that it hasn’t affected the slimming down process detrimentally but still it is annoying. By now I must have the most trained gums in Greece or even in the Mediterranean so a careier in the circus is not too unrealistic an option (the damn salary will be better at least , I am sure of it, lol). I can almost hear the circus presenter’s announcement of my show “Dear spectators, you ve seen the acrobats, you ‘ve laughed at the clowns, heck you even threw tomatoes at the bloody mimes but nothing has prepared you for what comes next. He is a man like anyone else, at first look, but when he opens his mouth and starts chewing you better be somewhere else. Ladies and gentlemen I present you the one and only Deadpoolite, the fastest chewer of the planet. No material is too sturdy, no matter unchewable for this behemoth of teeth power and speedy munching”.

I thought I had seen it all... but then the chewing gum monster raised its ugly head.... Oh well more chewing for me it seems,lol!

As the above insane image fades away from my brain I am left in desperate need of a chewing gum. “Fight it off” I say to myself, “you are better than this… For fuck’s sake if you are going to have a stupid habit I am sure you can find a bloody one that makes more sense than this brainless mouth stretching” I conclude my verbal self beating. In a moment of weakness, I start looking around me for a bloody gum, not one in sight I finally give up my fool’s errand. “It is a good start I guess…” I conclude, and right after that I start laughing at the absurdity of it all.

I haven't reached this level of chewing gum madness just yet... but I am getting there...

So now, reaching the end of this blog entry I can't believe I made an actual post about something as meaningless as this, lol (but then again there is always tomorrow for a new blogging career low so it's ok I . Truth be told, something happened today that made me realise that my stupid little excess that I described above has gone a bit too far. As I went to a local mini-market to buy some chewing gums, the shop owner asked me (he recognizes me by now, at least appearance wise, after so many repeated visits to his store for this exact purpose...) “Ηοw is it going? Is it working?”. The only way he could justify me buying so much chewing gum was that I was trying to quit smoking you see… I found this both embarrassing and amusing. Subsequently, I mumbled a semi believable excuse and was gone with the wind. As I approached home I said to myself “Fuck this shit…enough is enough”. So yeah, today is my first day “clean” {this sounds more ridiculous than I can bare so I am ending this blog entry and going to shoot myself on pure principle … then again I could chew some gum as a deadman’s last wish… so I'd better not go ahead with this course of action, heh. Don’t go there DP, just don’t, LOL)

Ok then , that is that, hope you cracked a smile or two :)

Till next time, take care!

Friday, 22 June 2007

Beginning to like Nintendo... I didn't see that one coming!

I 've been an avid videogamer for some years now. Although, currently undergoing one of my less "videogaming" periods, I am still getting informed about new game releases and related news quite regularly. A few days ago, I saw on the rack of a local newsagent's the game magazine "Edge". Not really my style this mag since I think it takes the medium way too seriously(although as an industry it has eclipsed the Hollywood money making machine by far) and I do prefer the approach of mags like "Games" (both of those mags are published in the UK). Regardless, what drove me to this particular issue of "Edge" was the cover. It was about Nintendo and the current success it is enjoying with its current handheld (DS) and home (Wii) consoles. I extended my right arm, picked up the mag from the rack, went to the counter, payed for the mag and left the newsagent's. At that particular moment it hit me "When the fuck did I become a Nintendo fan? Shit, I didnt see that one coming... oh man I am doomed beyond redemption".

Granted I dont particularly like Mario but this trailer is too nuts not to put on my blog. Plus you get to kick Mario's ass in this game, how cool is that. Now, if only they had Sonic the Hedgehog as an unlockable!

I'll provide some backstory to show you the depth of the identity crisis I was facing. My first meaningful games console was Sega Megadrive(Sega Genesis in the US) back in 1992 or thereabouts (it was the year Jurassic Park was out, you do the I bought that console to play Sonic the Hedgehog which was way too cool a game not to play. Back then the other major player on the console market was Nintendo and its Super Famicom (or Super Nintendo Entertainment System "SNES" as it was marketed in the European market). SNES had been released with the game Street Fighter 2. I remember arguing with my friends a lot at the time about which console and consequently company was better, Megadrive or SNES, SEGA or Nintendo. It was a stupid fanboyish argument where there wasnt really any right or wrong. Still, it was important enough for me at the time to consider Nintendo as "the enemy" and whatever they made "shit". It didnt matter that my criticism was unfounded to a great extent, I was a teenage pawn of the corporate market that thrives upon such meaningless rivalries. Plus it was just fun to have a laugh with friends about our stupid little past time called videogaming.

he series that started it all for me...truth be told it all went downhill after the two first games in the series LOL! Oh, where have the good times gone...

Years passed, SEGA became a shadow of its former self to the point of stopping producing any hardware at all and solely focusing on either development of software or acting as a publisher for the software of smaller companies. Nintendo on the other hand kept doing what it did best, make profit, regardless if it had been corporately sidelined by Sony and the Playstation brand. Up to this point I still liked SEGA (I always have a soft spot for those suckers, lol), I dug the PLaystation game console and I didnt care at all about Nintendo. All these in the time period between 1996 -2000 or thereabouts.

Forward a couple of years and I was dealt with a major shock to my gaming sensibilities. One of the gaming franchises I adore, Resident Evil became an exclusive for the then newly released Nintendo console , Gamecube. It was a no-brainer really, I needed to have my Resident Evil fix so it was only a matter of time before I buy the damn thing. Never have I felt so shit buying a product, after all I bought the damn thing for a grand total of 4 Resident Evil games!

Although Resident Evil Outbreak was more of a failed experiment than a decent game its beautiful introduction illustrates greatly what Resident Evil is all about...enjoy!

It just felt wrong buying a Nintendo console. Still I did it.... Then after a couple of months passed by I got acquainted with some of the Nintendo franchises that up to that point I was only remotely aware of (I hate Mario by the way so he wasnt an option never has been...). Such franchises included , The Legend of Zelda, Metroid Prime and some other exclusive games. Playing those games I progressively became fond of the way Nintendo approaches gaming, a mentality permeating most of its "home grown" games. In most of its games you can see that this company makes games that address to the kid inside the adult or the kid in general(making huge profits along the!). Its games are just fun to play, they may seem too cartoony or too childish on the surface but break them down to their basic components and they are just fun with their colourful little worlds that remind you how it felt like when you were a kid and you were waking up really early in the morning to watch the Saturday cartoons. Trust me, I still like my "adult" Playstation 2 games and that console's library is huge but there is something about Nintendo... that is aluring. In 25 years of existence this company has ALWAYS made profits one way or another so they cant be totally stupid it seems.

Simply beautiful...

So here we are in the year 2007, Nintendo has already two consoles out the Wii and DS and both are equally original and fun. I think it will be the first generation of consoles that I'll probably buy two different home consoles "the really fun one" the Wii and one of the more "adult" ones (either an Xbox360 or a PS3 with the former having an advantage simply because I really hate SONY at the moment...). Still, all in good time...

Check out the cool ad below for the Wii (if there ever was a console for the casual gamer this is it, so you women out there start saving money, it is really fun it seems and not a complicated mess for the non-initiated gamer):

So where do I stand now as gamer? After all those years I still like SEGA (I wouldnt call myself a fan I am old enough not to be THAT stupid, lol!) but I have a soft spot for the big N as well. Truth be told, there is something awfully wrong seeing Sonic the Hedgehog appearing in Nintendo consoles' games and I 'll never get used to that (he will even co-star WITH fricking jackass Mario into a game about the upcoming Olympic games in China in 2008....and then they say I am twisted, lol!).

So here I am talking nice about Nintendo, oh man I feel so sick all of a sudden, what is this world coming to...

Till next time, take care all of you!

Wednesday, 20 June 2007

In the face of A(d)trocity : Looking behind the commercials' curtains...

I really got Zhu to thank for this blog entry... well her and my insanity... Anyway I was just thinking about TV commercials and how out of touch they are with what we call real life. I' ll present some examples to illustrate my case (no joke so far... man I must be sick...) :

I came across this ad by accident on youtube and I just had to use it...

1) Cleaning Products

A typical ad would go something like this...

A sexy woman, cleaning the toilet, tap dancing merrily with her mop, smiling all the time and combing her hair using her freshly cleaned toilet tiles as a mirror. The accompanying music would be cheerful and pop orientated and all would seem well in the kingdom of house dirt when you got product X as your ally. What could possibly go wrong?

The real life...

A woman looking exhausted and pissed off, is scrubbing the toilet tiles cursing her luck that she didnt marry a man rich enough to buy her a servant or an illegal immigrant(racist bitch... lol) to do her biding. After all, in an ideal world, she could go out shopping with an unlimited credit card or shag her way in the world with her newly acquired, preferrably young, secret lover.

There was a Kider chocolate bar stashed in there somewhere but I couldnt care less, lol!

2)Family snacks

The typical ad...

One happy family joins once more the family table laughing hysterically at dad's crap jokes. The woman is superfit despite having seemingly given birth to 4 children and her husband seems to love her the same as the very first day he laid eyes on her. The children look equally happy just to laugh uncontrollably and to keep eating the newly released snack in its "ultra light/all the taste" edition.

The Real life...

Dad is not around since he is working his ass off to provide for his 4 kids. He used to whine about his ignorance about birth control strategies and "how the fuck did this happen" but now his brain is too numb to actually think about anything else than work. The mother, who is also working herself, has let herself go a little bit since balancing personal life and career is an on-going struggle. The kids/teenagers are "videogaming" their passage through the world or thinking about sex more and more with every passing day. The whole family eats the miserable snack that is half the size of what it looked like on TV, because "Mom doesnt have the time to cook" or "kids hate their vegetables".

No article is ever complete without a bit of DP goodness, lol!


The TV ad...

Parents have seemingly unlimited funds for kids' toys so they can buy all the versions of the same toy (as in all colours, lol) without giving it a second thought. Dad is ecstatic spending money for his children's toys and the wife is so happy that she starts break dancing in the middle of the toy megastore just to show the world that buying toys for your kids can be cool. The kids attack the shop shelves grabbing everything from a new games console to the secret underwear of the Deadpool action figure. It is a good life for a kid and they feast upon it with unshamed greed...

Real life or something like it...

The parents are counting the money to see if they have enough to get by for the month since bills are "no toying matter". The dad secretly hopes that there is going to be enough money in his Christmass bonus to squeeze some of it out to buy toys for his kids. The children are distraught, the TV doesnt stop playing in the household and they are bombarded with images of cool toys on daily basis. Occassionally, they are whining at their parents to buy them new toys but they know they are fighting a lost cause. If they play videogames there is always piracy or utorrent while traditional toys are bought a couple of years after their original release "if the interest is still there".

I have mixed feelings about this one... I find it both disturbing and funny at the same time... you got to love the guy's reaction!

4)Cosmetics for man/woman

The TV ad...

If it is about a guy, using the right deodorant or cologne can make all the difference in the world in the cruel world of dating. He just sprays himself more and more with the product of choice, heck he may even dive in a pool filled with the liquid product instead of water. Being in the vicinity of women suddenly becomes a certainty of potential sex, since women cant restrain themselves and just want to f.... his brains out, the damn smell of product X is that maddening for the seemingly "primitive" female mind.
In similar vein, if product X is a woman orientated cosmetic , things become dangerous for the male species. The woman smells, looks so nice that all male brain functioning ceases to exist. Drivers crash their cars onto lampposts , passersby fall into sewer holes and so on, so forth. Every male in the vicinity is turned into a mindless drone, a zombie of testosterone trapped into the web of the ideal woman X, wearing the product of choice... the "little head" has finally taken over absolute male body control over the "big head"...

Life as it is...

Men are using the product as part of their routine. Every day they keep cursing in front of the mirror pissed off by the pointlessly neverending shaving ordeal. A blind cut here, a mistimed move of the razor there and their face skin becomes a potentially evolving jigsaw puzzle. Product X is brought into the forefront and its use seemingly rectifies the "mistake" albeit dealing a nice painful touch in the process of doing so (maybe next time sulphuric acid will be better for skin treatment,lol). As for deodorants, they are there to keep the sweat patches of men's armpits (on shirts) at bay so that maybe, just maybe that female co-worker they are longing for want flee in disgust for the billionth time. Sweating is not eliminated really just redirected to less conspicuous parts of the body...

Women wear their cosmetics on daily basis, falling into a fake sense of confidence about their appearence. After all "if Jessica Biel can pull it off so can we" they think. So, really early in the morning, at least an hour before even starting considering to go to work, some women wake up (at least they try to, lol) and start patching things up in front of the mirror. Vanity has prevailed and the ever increasing racism/pressure of highly photo-shopped babes on the covers of men and fashion magazines provides the necessary motivation to shake off that last sleepy feeling and get on with "what needs to be done". It doesnt matter that female cosmetics are expensive or even dangerous for the female skin in the long-term. All that matters is that each woman becomes "a queen without a kingdom" for the day and if that means sidelining that pesky female co-worker in the looks department, then even better...

One of the coolest ads... ever, period!

5)Cars and technology

In the ads...

A guy drives like mad through the traffic, he overtakes anyone in his way, goes up mountains, heck he may even make it to outer space if the car kicks in into the 5th gear.... There is seeminlgy no concern about traffic rules and an apparently unlimited supply of fuel makes proceedings even cooler. The car becomes a symbol of male domination and an extension of a guy's sex mojo. Sexy women are attracted to the car like bees to honey and all is well in the planet of driving on speed.... the man content for his wise choice to buy that particular car model drives into the CG sunset like a mad cowboy rider without the cigar....

And then there is real life...

The constant necessity of gasoline and petrol for an acceptable price has become priority number one. It has become too expensive and the predictions for traditional fuel availability in the future can truely put a new car owner to grief. Suddenly, going from point A to point B using the car has become a crucial life dilemma. Plus, the driver needs to guard the contents of his fuel tank day and night patrolling outside his car dealing nasty looks to all passersby so that "they dont get any funny fuel looting ideas". Once the decision to move the car from the parking spot (the only parking spot available in miles,lol) has been made, the driver is faced with the challenges of modern "traffic heavy" city streets. Getting to work on time, co-existing with the other drivers, avoiding any sort of accident or run-in with a traffic warden becomes an art-form by itself. Finally , when the guy returns back to his place demolished from the ordeals of the day (of which driving is a great part), he looks at his car for the last time thinking "Way to go trooper, I love your guts, you and me will take over the world some day". Oh, men and their cars, an on-going love relationship without the "talk back feature" that a woman provides in abundance...

As I switch off the TV, brain melting from the neverending onslaught of ads I head to my bed with only one thought in mind "Feel proud about yourself, the little silly box called TV hasnt killed of your dreams just yet". In the comfort of that thought, I slip into bed, thinking how I am going to win over that blonde I cant get out of my head for the past few days... sleep takes over and everything becomes a distant memory of a day long forgotten....

Take care all!

Here are two of my favourite ads of all time, the first has Bruce Campbell in it(nuff said) and the other is ace if you are a football fan (that is "soccer" in the US, such a gay term,lol) but funny as well if you are not. Enjoy!

Monday, 18 June 2007

Back off you evil ghouls…. this is MY CHICKEN!!!

Since you are reading this text already, the above wacky title caught your attention ( I don’t know who is more nuts me writing this or you reading it by the way, lol). Recently, I became aware of a little shop in my town that sells roasted chicken (what a big earth shattering life event you may be thinking….or not….lol…but bare with me ). So, one day that there was no cooked food on the table I said “The hell with it, let’s give the place a try”. Minutes later I was standing outside the shop looking at it and thinking “Doesn’t look like much but hey I am no freaking decorator so I might as well give it the benefit of the doubt…”. I entered the shop and noticed that the guy inside was not selling anything else in his shop but roasted chicken , “man this is one cocky bastard, his chicken must be really something special if he is solely relying on it to make a living”, I thought. As soon as I was done with the audio commentary in my brain, I asked the shop owner to give me a whole roasted chicken to which the guy replied “You are lucky man I got one right here, usually I run out of them pretty early in the day. That is why people reserve them in advance. Here is my card by the way”. I was astounded and my internal audio commentary resumed accordingly “What the heck is happening here? This is no fancy nightclub, heck it isn’t even a theatre, it is a bloody joint selling roasted chicken! For crying out loud, who the f….do you think you are?”. Despite this introspective social outburst, my official reply towards him was “Sure man thanks. Now how about that chicken?”. He packaged the chicken appropriately and he handed it to me while I paid the price for it (you know this is how trading works since the ancient times, lol, oh what an important life lesson indeed, heh). As I exited the shop I noticed the distinct smell of roasted chicken coming from the item at hand. The treasure in my hand looked as depicted in the following picture

If this picture was smelling as the chicken did on that fateful day, you would be trying to bite your screen off just to taste a chunk of unparallel chicken goodness... Good thing then (at least for your screen, heh) that internet technology hasnt reached that stage of evolution just yet

A roasted chicken covered in the perfect crust (if such a thing truly exists, lol) with a heavenly smell emanating from it. It was that good folks! It was perfection personificated, it was surreal, it was bloody perfect and it was all mine! (muhahahahaha…..sorry folks need to work on controlling my manic laughter outbursts more…lol). It took me a moment to recover from this pleasant shock and subsequently I proceeded to my other couple of errands for the day. First, I went to a local supermarket to buy a couple of dairy products. As soon as I entered, heads turned as I bestowed my presence in that highly crowded place. “What smells like that? “someone said, “Where did you buy that one from?” a girl gleefully added, “ Man that is what I call roasted chicken “, a third person quoted. It was as close as I‘ ll ever get to become a rock star I suppose but I wasn’t enjoying the moment really… People were getting closer and I was afraid for the safety of my pricey possession. This was MY goddamn chicken and I wasn't going to share it with a bunch of drooling native yahoos! At that time, I really wanted to scream “Back off you evil ghouls!” but dignity prevailed.(thanks fuck for that, lol). On high alert, I rushed outside the supermarket just before their filthy hands grabbed a thigh or a chest of my roasted chicken. I was ready to go all the way, my trusty readers, to protect what was rightfully mine, take a look at the following clip and you ' ll understand what I mean...

Phew! That was close…” I said to myself. “Ok, only one more thing to do and then I am heading home” I thought. WIth that thought still fresh in my mnd, I walked a few metres and then entered into a local baker store to buy some bread. Two women were in the shop, the younger of which was at the counter. I approached the central bench and she was about to ask “Hello sir, what would you like?“ but she never finished that sentence... As soon as I was in biting distance she quoted “Hmmm…that smells tasty…where did you get it from?”. “Man...this cant be happening” I thought. As she was getting ready to either bite my arm off to get a bite of the chicken in the process or to offer herself to me just to be closer to it (cant be sure which of the two was more realistic a development, lol), I rapidly paid for the couple of loaves of bread I bought and started running towards the exit like a man chased by Freddy Krueger. “Sir come back, your change! “ the young woman shouted. “That is the oldest trick in the book, you witch!” I shouted in reply from afar... This Merc with a mouth wasn’t going to fall for that one (not again anyway, lol). So I rushed to my home, one hand hugging the bag with the chicken and the other holding my trusty pea-shooter. Some locals started following me and till they got me cornered... Regardless of the overwhelming odds, Deadpoolite had a few cool moves in his arsenal it seems, so before too long, me and my roasted chicken escaped unharmed from this little face off. The following vid shows the encounter with the wannabe chicken devourers in all its glory...

Eat hard or die harder” I thought as I entered into the safety of my sanctuary (that is my apartment by the way, lol). I chopped up some salad rapidly and the rest of the family (i.e. my parents) gathered around the table for lunch. “How did the hunting go, DP jr?” my dad asked. “This isn’t the time for bloody talk dad, they are on my trail as we speak, start eating!” I screamed respectfully (“screamed respectfully” is that even freaking possible?…LOL). We devoured the roasted chicken and the salad in silence. As soon as we finished our munching ritual, all faces in the room were beaming with content, it was indeed a lunch too good to be true…

As soon as we finished lunch my "chicken craving" pursuers had caught up with me so it was time to make my final stand... the following video shows part of the massacre that followed in its full funky detail...

Switching into serious mode now (DP pressing the remote embedded in his right ear…long story friends…lol). That guy cooks one mean chicken people, I really hope pictures could transpire smells as well but since it isn’t feasible take my word for it.

Till next time then, take care all of you!

P.S. I leave you with an extended clip of one of the coolest movies I've ever seen "Shaun of the Dead", do watch it, if you havent done so already!

Friday, 15 June 2007

Change is a wonderful thing in the eye of the beholder...

Well I had this one coming.... it was inevitable... burning the candle at both ends between this one and my greek blog would take its toll, eventually, on my blogging life. So priorities had to be set. The Greek blog took a bit of a refurbishment shall we say and now it is where I need it to be, but at the other end of the spectrum this blog took a bit of a breather for the past two weeks. However, its time in the spotlight has finally arrived!

Champagne anyone? And before you start having any kinky thoughts (you dirty minds you, heh) this is still a PG friendly blog (barely, lol).

It has been nearly 4 months now that I have started this beautiful verbal adventure in the realm of blogging, dissing wise cracks and pieces of my soul left and right. It has been truely liberating... Still, at some point two weeks ago I thought "Something needs to change even if it is just aesthaetically". At that same moment I looked at some of the posts in both my blogs and tried to figure out what each of the two blogs (greek and english) was representing and how it had evolved with time. I smiled with great content I have to say. So far, I have met some wonderful people around the world and in my country Greece. Distances were annihilated and bridged by written words. Similarly, different life backgrounds and perspectives on life proved to be not a reason for separation but a reason for celebration of uniqueness.

So here we are, June 2007, in the newly updated "The Merc with a mouth is back!" (also known as the "
What the f... is he talking about?" blog in some countries, lol !). The most noticeable change on the site is the header of the blog. A friend of mine offered to make this for me and I happily nodded "yeah, I 'd like that". He didnt have to take the time to make it, he doesnt know me all that well for that matter but nevertheless he proposed to make this for me without anything meaningful in return. He requested that I keep his name under wraps and that is to be respected, however I'd like to take the opportunity to thank him once more for doing this for me. Let me rephrase that, thank him for doing this selflessly for me, for a person that he doesnt know all that well. It is the gesture I appreciate greatly, that is what I want to say really.

Summer 2007, I am in Greece one of the most beautiful places to be at this time of the year with a newly designed blog in front of me. The possibilities are endless now.... time to put my "Merc with a mouth" mask back on.... Deadpoolite is truely "back" as the name of this blog so eloquently states...

Have a wonderful summer all, the best is yet to come !

P.S. Only some fine tuning of this blog remains, someone pass me my wrench...busy, busy, busy... lol!

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

Stay away from the light...!!!

My trusty readers, my adoring fans, my wannabe groupies stay with me....stay away from the light of .... the exit door from this blog. I have been recently occupied with other matters of personal nature and a little pet project over at my native language blog (typing on the run). It took me more time than I thought but now it is where it should be. Great days are coming for this blog both design wise and content wise. I am not putting any fancy widgets and stuff like that in(let's face it I am too lazy for that,lol) ... but this little makeover has just sparked my interest for more insane blogging.

So heads up! I might even buy you a pizza next time you come around (DP looking at his empty pockets thinking "yeah right...")

Take care all, I am assuming by the beginning of the week starting on the 18th of June (or around there more or less) the world will be a funnier place(or so I say myself, lol)!

Take care all!

Saturday, 9 June 2007

Hitler banned from Xbox Live...funny as hell!

Hi guys and girls. This is probably the first and last time I am doing this but this video worths it! If you are a videogamer you ' ll enjoy it even more but if not do not despair it is still funny as hell. Let me just provide some bakground on this. Xbox Live is the highly improved on-line service that Microsoft provides to all gamers with its new games console Xbox 360. With it you can play multiplayer games with other gamers around the world and if you have certain accomplishments in games you get some points in your account (think it like the discount/credits card that supermarkets provide to lure customers). With those points you can buy certain cool stuff for your games. Other stuff like expansion packs and such (these are levels of an existing game that are released for purchase after the games original release to add some longetivity to the original game) can also be purchased with money.

What happened in Europe as far as I know is that when this improved Xbox Live service was released some people that were not properly registered tricked the system with cracked accounts thus being able to participate without giving a participation fee (I think this is required on monthly basis). Microsoft being the money maker that it is retaliated by tracking down those individual pirated user accounts and banning them out of the Xbox Live network for good. So these people were left with Xbox360 consoles that do not have any on-line capabilities whatsoever.

Now that this is out of the way enjoy the vid, personally I cant stop laughing (and for a nutter like myself this is quite a feat).

Have a nice weekend everyone!

Friday, 8 June 2007


I told you it was inevitable. I just won’t write about things in a normal way or just describe things simply. This isn’t what this blog is for, it is more of a mean to go over the top and have a cheeky look at things. But enough of my delusions of grandeur, there are bigger things than me and you at stake (not really but I always wanted to say that….for the time being writing it will have to do…lol). Today, as I was lazily seating on my ass in the living room, TV switched on and running, I heard a familiar theme tune coming from it. It was a theme, I hadn’t heard in a while and it brought back memories. Memories from the time I was a kid in Karpenisi, Greece around 5-6 years old and the couple of public TV stations available back then were broadcasting an abundance of BBC made programs to fill in their then pristine schedules. One of those TV series was “Dr Who”.

These are the 10 incarnations of the character, throughtout the years. Thanks fuck his haircut improved since the old shows. Man check out those mullets, I bet they were self aware as well... creepy!

Although not really a kid friendly program, I had watched certain episodes back then (blame it on my parents being too busy or my kid curiosity thriving I managed to watch uninterrupted). I don’t remember much about it, just that Dr Who was a totally nuts dude, dressed in a cowboy hat, a trenchcoat and a green scarf (hardly a superhero outfit then, lol) played with gusto and flare by a guy with curly hair (later in my life I learnt that the actor’s name was Tom Baker, more useless knowledge plaguing my ever diminishing brain capacity then, lol). For the uninitiated among you, Dr Who was a time travelling dude that was shifting chronological eras and possibly planets using his ever trusty time travelling phone booth to reach new places (I told you it is nuts but hey it is a BBC program after all it doesn’t have to make sense just look at the abundance of gardening and antique shows on it, at least last time I checked, lol).

Parking space availability is not an issue for this baby...heh

Regardless if the so called “Dr” was more of in need of a doctor himself (blame it on his insanity or genius I always have trouble distinguishing between the two, lol) he had a certain wild charm that I appreciated (no one said that I have good taste so bare with me…). From what I can recall this guy had some eternal enemies that looked like huge tin robots with massive globes sticking out of them and kept shouting “exterminate, exterminate, exterminate” (I guess the script writers didn’t have a thesaurus at hand for variety’s sake so they stuck with that throughout…). The temporary effect of watching this wacky show on TV was a couple of restless nights for kidpoolite (heh), where I dreamt of those tin robots chasing me in my house as I was attempting to take a leak (so for all the parents out there DO WATCH OUT what your kids watch on TV, this was a selfless advice by Deadpoolite, for additional help call the Merc with a mouth hotline: 0101-0101-1979, individual charges apply depending on your pockets depth, lol).

Exterminate, exterminate, exterminate... it may look like a glorified old fashioned trash bin with delusions of grandeur but boy did it scare me as a child...

Forward to the present day then, when I heard the familiar tune (albeit remixed) playing once again on the TV set. This was “Dr Who” remastered for the next generation with a youthful little chap playing the central part. It was all played tongue in cheek as before with a distinct retro quality to the whole affair. In one intense moment, the “Dr Who of 2007” started screaming and gave one of his trademark wacky stares to the unfortunate victim of his verbal abuse. At that particular moment I grinned with content (now being a guy in the second half of his twenties instead of a kid) and recognized the same nutjob character that had made an impression on me as a boy. It seems they pulled it off once again and the current production is much better than the old one overall, albeit they got the means to make this whole sci-fi gig work better. However, it isn’t predominantly a matter of technological superiority over the old show that made me once again be sold on this show. It is more a case of the makers of this one retaining the soul of the series intact and respectfully updating it for the current generation of viewers. Their soul is in the right place it seems and I like that in those soulless times we live in…

Let's give the good doctor some credit shall we...he sure doesnt pick his sidekicks from the bargain basement... as Johnny Bravo would say..."Whoa, you sexy mommas!"...

I like my “Lost”, “Prison Break”, “Heroes” fixes as much as the next guy. Regardless, I only got all “puppy eyed” when I heard the eponymous “Dr Who theme” once again. It is a matter of acquired taste this show, some will deem it “too retro”, some will say “it’s crap”, some will just not get it… it is all good. After all this is an intelligent sci-fi show that doesn’t try to “out-Gollum , Gollum” with its special effects. Instead, this show is wearing its proverbial heart on its sleeve and doesn’t take itself too seriously… For the people that “do get the joke” it seems to be just what “the doctor” ordered (excuse the pun couldn’t resist it, lol). So, I am now looking forward to watch the rest of the episodes of this series’ rebirth… or maybe not… it is the thought that counts after all…

"He looks absolutely daft in this picture but I forgive him, he does a wonderful job portraying Dr Who , go Tennant!"

p.s. I like the “Orbital remix” of the “Dr Who theme” best. For some reason I wanted to say that…go figure…!

Monday, 4 June 2007

The Rambo 4 trailer, a chunk of b-movie heaven (manic laughter ensues…)

God bless youtube… hey I am not kidding! I haven’t sold out to the commercial sirens of this fun little place called World Wide Web just yet but credit should be awarded when it is due. A few days ago, I was bored, I was puzzled by what my next step would be in this adventure called life, I was daydreaming about a blonde conquest I had set my “love sight” superpower on (hey Spiderman has spidersense I got love sight, I really don’t know who got the worst part of the superpowers deal, lol) you can call it whatever you want…I was mentally all over the place (story of my life…lol). Then, as I was lazily browsing the web I went by the familiar internet neighbourhood of youtube to find something to spice things up, even if only in the visual sense, or to just make my laughter sense go wild (yep, I got all the cool superpowers, fact, lol). For some uncanny reason I typed in “Rambo 4” to see if there were any movie clips of this upcoming spectacle of past glories goodness.

"Who needs a razor blade for shaving...Not Rambo for sure..."

I got one better than I expected…someone had put a full fleshed trailer of the Rambo 4 movie on the site! The movie is now cheekily called “John Rambo”, probably because this way the movie sounds more like a hopeful new beginning rather than the last nail in the coffin of a movie series that should have been dead and buried right after the decent first movie. Curiosity (as if I needed an excuse, lol) got the best of me and I clicked the appropriate link to watch the trailer clip. For the next couple of minutes, I witnessed bits and pieces of what seems to constitute the new Rambo movie. Following the end of the trailer, I bursted into wild laughter! Maybe I needed it more that I expected, maybe it was just my usual folly self getting out in the open once again… truth be told it doesn’t really matter, what matters is that this damn clip of Rambo 4 made my day so to speak!

"This is where it all started..."

Basically there are so many things that I found highly amusing in this trailer, it is unbelievable! I am not one to shy away from a challenge so I ‘ll try to present you the juice of the funny parts as good as I can. The trailer begins with John Rambo aka Sly Stallone being an overaged veteran loner, albeit one so pumped up with steroids that he could give the great pharmaceutical industries of this world a run for their money to keep up with his personal daily consumption of the “good stuff”. From the first lines he speaks, it seems that what Rambo has gained in muscle tissue all these years of movie exile he has lost it in verbal prowess (I double checked if the trailer was running at normal speed or at slow motion and to my horror it was actually running at normal speed! Yep the poor bastard was talking THAT slow…). From the first few viewing moments, you can tell that Stallone is bored out of his mind of the whole affair but to his credit he goes for it anyway, sleep walking(or sleep talking depending on your perspective….lol) in scene after scene. The highlight of his “non-war days” is when he is shown fishing in the local river using his trusty bow and arrows since traditional methods of fishing apparently don’t cut it in that river (I kinda of hoped that he would use his explosive arrows for fishing in that scene but life is full of disappointments I suppose…lol). Anyway, as fate would have it (how original…) the ever “amateur pacifist” Rambo is thrown pretty soon into the thick of the action. His quest? To liberate a blonde chick from the clutches of some unknown guerrilla warriors or whatever. That is when things went from slightly amusing to full blown ridiculously funny. Let me elaborate on that one…

"This seems like a movie mastepiece all of a sudden...Adrriieennneee..."

To begin with, Rambo is shown seemingly creeping behind an unsuspecting and apparently absolutely deaf guard to off him from behind. This sounds all good enough action but it became ludicrous since Rambo took his sweet time to stand up behind the guy, grind his teeth like a victim of extreme constipation before delivering the death blow (let’s just say an ox would have been more inconpiscuous…lol). Then, sudden cut to a jeep with a mounted machine gun on (which was conveniently placed next to the hapless, now diseased, guard…) and Rambo starts shooting like mad everything that moves. “Everything that moves” helps Rambo’s just cause by conveniently aligning themselves directly in front of his line of fire to save him time from such trivial things like aiming and reloading. Then, we see the blonde woman tied up with her hands behind her back, pleading with a skinny guard not to unleash his "sex mojo" on her. The guy is of course defiant of the request or just doesn’t understand English and attempts to unzip his trousers… the thing is it seems this guy couldn’t unzip his pants if his life depended on it. Visually, he resembled more a guy that was making a poor attempt at sensually stripping or a dude whose zipper had suddenly become self-aware, warmly embracing his balls and not leting go (I wouldn’t like to be him when his prostate runs rampant at an old age and unzipping fast becomes a top survival skill…). Truth be told, being the nutty guy that I am, I expected his “southern area package” to break the clutches of its confinement and scream “Freedom!” bursting out of his pants. As fate would have it though, Rambo terminated him “silently” from behind depriving me of this guilty, albeit highly unlikely, pleasure. After that sequence of pure bliss, a few scenes followed where Rambo killed off a couple of guys gutting them (I guess he had a lot of practise gutting fish and he took it to the next level, go figure…), he shouted lazily at the now saved blonde “Run! You can make it”, he sprinted for a whole 2 metres without collapsing from exhaustion (better than I can manage I am sure, lol) and he shot an explosive arrow at some poor bastard who just happened to pass by (either the local postman or a guy killed for the 100th time in this movie, they all look the same blown up you know, lol). All of a sudden the Rambo 4 trailer was nearing completion with Stallone walking by the screen, lazily looking in disbelief around him, bewildered at the whole affair(or maybe he was just trembling under the weight of the impending hefty payday at the box office who knows...). In that final glorious shot, he seemed more keen to devour a couple of cheeseburgers with fries and coke than to embark on a killing spree (I guess it is his version of “method acting”, lol). Then the words “John Rambo” flashed on the screen and the trailer ended, giving my brain synapses a much needed break…

"Ok, I officially peed my pants now...
I mean to make 4 movies out of THIS GUY,
is bloody unstoppable alright"

I wonder what if Stallone met Rambo instead, one short conversation there, first the gutting then the"

Throughout most of this surreal viewing experience I was either gently smiling or laughing out loud. I am not going to watch this movie in the theatres, I don’t see the point, but boy am I going to rent/buy the DVD and view it repeatedly in instants of boredom, sadness or self-existential crisis. Yep, all credit to you Stallone, you got to me at the end, maybe not in the way you anticipated (action movie) but with a “healthy?” side effect (comedy gold) of what you actually aimed for. ”John Rambo” seems like a b-movie gem dressed up in blockbuster clothes and is destined for b-movie heaven as so many movies before it… it is so bad it’s good… just wait and see…

"Never truer words have been spoken...roll on John Rambo!"

Now that my rant is finished I can thank you all once again for joining the fun!

Till next time, ta da!

p.s. Got to share this link of Rambo madness before it self destructs, go for it at your own risk: